Legalize It!

These past two years have been rough on America. We’ve seen our nation’s fortunes wither and the proud American workforce sidelined by a crippling recession. Millions of otherwise capable and intelligent Americans in the prime of their lives are now unemployed, scraping by on a pittance from the Government. It is hard to see how anything good could come of such a terrible situation. But allow me to offer one idea: we could legalize marijuana.

The problem with legalizing marijuana in the past has not been that the plant itself is dangerous or that the government couldn’t make a killing off of it, it’s that the wrong people were asking. Think about it. When you see a Legalize It protest, who do you see protesting? Dreadlocked white college students, old hippie burnouts who may or may not be aware the Vietnam War has ended, schizophrenics who claim to be the living incarnation of John Lennon. Why would the government ever listen to them? If the government listened to them we’d be watching frisbee on ESPN and being “really unchill and sh*t” would be illegal. The problem with legalization protests is not the message, you see, it’s the protesters. Â

But now we find ourselves with millions of people with the free time, the lack of consequence and, most importantly, the normal clothes and haircuts to work the picket lines. In the past, fear of losing your job or time commitments may have kept regularly employed marijuana enthusiasts away from the pickets lines but that’s not a concern for millions of Americans now. It’s hard to get fired or have your pay docked when you no longer have a job, right? So instead of working on that novel you always knew you could write or eating yet another depressing microwaved dinner, how about getting out, getting loud, and changing the country?

With millions of khaki-wearing, Starbucks-sipping, college-educated protesters demanding the right to buy and smoke pot, how could the government say no? After all, you vote, you pay taxes, you don’t have theories on how flu shots are actually a government mind control program; you represent the voice of the sane, normal American citizen fallen on hard times. We’ve seen in the past how adverse times have won the victims of those times relaxed laws. During the Vietnam War the drinking age was lowered to 18 so soldiers returning home from hell in the jungle could enjoy the cool beer they certainly earned. Why should you, a victim of government oversight and private greed, not be afforded the same treatment? Why shouldn’t you be allowed to come home from a day spent applying to low-paying jobs far below what your masters degree promised and spark a joint to relax? Why shouldn’t you be able to at least enjoy your microwaved dinner in a haze of smoke while you watch a bit torrented episode of Mad Men? Why don’t you have the right to forget how miserable things are by way of smoking weed?

It could even stimulate our sagging fortunes. Government taxes collected on marijuana sales could inject billions in cold, hard, wrinkled and wadded up cash into the economy, providing capital for stimulus programs. And don’t even get me started on what legal marijuana would mean for snack sales, SyFy Network ratings, and our struggling glass blowing industry. If enough people start protesting, FritoLay may even help the cause by providing their lobbyists free of charge. Â

Americans have long had a knack for turning misfortune around. We did it in the Great Depression with the WPA programs and we can do it again, only this time it’s up to you. I call to all the recently unemployed, to all the graduating college seniors who will be returning, as if by some magical 4 year time machine, right back to their parents’ house, to all the tenured professors lucky enough to have their jobs safe and secure through these hard time. I call to anyone who doesn’t have A) dreadlocks, B) cargo shorts that go down to his or her ankles, C) or any theory regarding flu shots, fluoride, and saccharine. I call on those who do not wear tie dye. I call to you to get out and protest on behalf of the rest of us. It won’t be easy to remove Jonathan “Natty Bones” Jenkins as the leader of the Legalize It movement, but I think with your college educations, your masters degrees in management, and the fact that you haven’t worn the same poncho for fifty straight days you will be able to do it. Â

And hurry up. The Lost finale is only a few weeks away.Â

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