Orientation Week 2011
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It’s another boring day at your stupid office. You spent most of the morning catching up on all the Internet you missed while sleeping and now you’re behind. Your stomach is growling because the banana you bought had a weird brown lump on it. You know you should get back to work, but you also know that you’re hungry and don’t care about your job at all.
What do you do?
- SEARCH FOR FOOD in the drawer that you haven’t used since you started here 2 years ago.
- CHECK EMAIL to see if your boss sent any super-long emails you can read to pass the time.
Roll your cursor over the text to see what it really means…
Roll over the images to see how these things are done in private…
Things look a little different when you’re drunk…
Sober ::: Drunk
A person being in the same orientation group as you, remembering your name, and seeming “nice enough” might seem like good enough reasons to give them your phone number, but by the time you’ve realized the error of your ways, your phone will be so inundated with “sup?“s, “u eat?“s, and 38-minute-long voicemails about how much sambuca they pretended to drink last night, it wont even be capable of calling the police when the dogged dialer “just happens to be passing by” your dorm room and wants to know why you haven’t answered them once since they accidentally sent you that picture that was totally supposed to go to their girlfriend and if you’d be interested in pledging a fraternity with them.
A picture is worth a thousand words, and according to your concerned Aunt Mitzi, none of them are “I’m a responsible human being that was raised properly.” You’d think a grown woman would be able to take a joke, or understand that other people can also read what is posted on your Facebook wall, but that won’t stop her from writing a concerned family member manifesto. Your newly confirmed friends will find her writing inspired, but the truth is, it’s nothing when compared to the essay she scribed when your high school friend, Rich, switched your status to “boobz.” The shame of it all is, no matter how many testicles can be seen in the picture, there’s nothing more embarrassing than someone thinking you actually had a chance at becoming president.
Love will make you do crazy things, like think “crazy” is a synonym for “annoying.” You will end up spending entirely way too much time, money, and effort trying to impress whoever it is that caught your eye. If you do somehow end up succeeding, all other aspects of your life will suffer immensely. Nearly half of all relationships end in respective roommates never wanting to see them again—and after being subjected to all of the pet names, baby talk, and having to wear pants, who can blame them? Heartbreak is tough, but having to eat alone in the dining hall is something you don’t come back from.
We asked you to tell us what are the most embarrassing things in the world, and after almost 2 million votes, the results are in:
You even knocked and got no response! That’s what happens when people bring their iPhones into the bathroom with them. Thanks again, technology. You will never be able to look at your boss the same way now that you know what he looks like playing Angry Birds on the can. You were thinking about getting a new job, anyway.
Say it don’t spray it, amiright? But sometimes your mouth doesn’t get that message and sprays it all over the place when you have this hilarious story to tell. They probably didn’t even notice that drop of your spit landing on their upper lip. Nope, they noticed. Just ignore them wiping your spittle away and finish the story like nothing happened. They will soon be too distracted by laughter to care about your juicy germs.
1. Soul Patches
The soul patch is, arguably, the most illogical of all 90’s trends. The chin strap beard, while stupid, clearly said, “I do too have a chin. I outlined it in my face hair. See?” The goatee wordlessly declared, “I’m an assh*le!” So what did a soul patch say? “The only thing I follow more religiously than minor league baseball is trends involving confused displays of masculinity.” If you ever had a soul patch, please take a moment to stew in your shame. If you still have a soul patch, you’ve got a little barbecue sauce in there.
2. JNCOs
Perhaps it was because of all of the Skip-It related chafing wounds, or just a general fondness for the feel of perpetually filthy shreds of fabric flopping against your calves, but, in the 90’s, nothing was cooler than going to Kohl’s with your mom to buy a fly new pair of JNCOs. WAS, being the operative word. We can all agree now that the circumference of your “pipes” should not exceed the length of your inseam. It just looks stupid. It doesn’t matter how many yo-yo’s you had stashed in there; no one needs that much room in their pants.
3. Leather Pants
No one who was over the age of 11 at any point in the 90’s made it through the decade without wondering, “Could I pull off leather pants?” The answer, ubiquitously, was, “No,” but Ricky Martin, Crazy Spice, and the actresses on Charmed were unrelenting in their desire to make leather pants last. In the end, the insane dry cleaning bills and the fact that you can’t take anyone in leather pants seriously defeated this terrible trend. Just in case: no. You can’t pull off leather pants. Don’t try to bring them back. No.
Roll over the pictures to see what she’s really saying…
Roll over the images to see what they really mean…
Over a million votes were cast, and the verdict is in. These were the 25 best costumes this Halloween. Click the images to see bigger versions.
25. Kerrigan, Queen of Blades
There’s something authoritative about saying “I’m Kerrigan, Queen Of Blades,” so even when people didn’t get this costume, you can sure as hell bet they respected it. Win-win.
24. Chun Li, from Street Fighter
Call us crazy, but people seem to like Halloween and attractive, ass-kicking women. While we set to work trying to find an explanation for this freak event, you can set to work enjoying this photo for some reason.
Over 120,000 of you voted, and now the results are in. Here are the 25 biggest badasses in history:
25. Vladimir Putin
Bear wrestling, Judo practicing, racecar driving, crossbow shooting, aircraft flying, submarine captaining, bare-chested horse riding Prime Minister of Russia who was named Time magazine’s Person of the Year in 2007. Presumably for doing those aforementioned things.
24. Thich Quang Duc
This Buddhist monk didn’t just stand up for what he believed, he stood up, walked to the middle of a busy intersection, and lit himself on fire for what he believed in. Sort of makes that day you took off work to walk around with a sign and shout catchy chants pretty inconsequential and void of sacrifice. Even if you did get a sunburn.
23. Chuck Norris
A martial arts expert and the subject of some pretty impressive Internet facts, Norris’ combat skills have been on display for decades. But even at the ripe-old age of 71, few would want to put themselves in a position where he would want to go “Walker, Texas Ranger” on their ass. After all, respect for others is one of the pillars of Chun Kuk Do, the martial art he created.
1. Dumb Shoes
It’s an inescapable correlation: The hotter it is, the worse you are prepared to dress. This is particularly true for your feet, which despite millions of years of evolution still need ARMOUR to traverse a flat surface. As you become more desperate to not have to wear socks, the more appealing each hideous shoe option will appear. It’s like 2am at a party only it’s shoes that you’re trying to pick up. Tevas? Cool. Big, chunky leather sandals? Awesome. Crocs? Whatever. Any port in a sweaty, sweaty storm.
2. Beach Chairs
Of course you should buy those $20 beach chairs. You need those beach chairs. Everyone knows that sitting on towels at the beach is incredibly uncomfortable and it’s much better to sit hunched in a slightly damp chair so your gut can fold over your bathing suit while you squint at that book you’re not actually reading. Besides, beach chairs are a totally sound investment. You can just fold them up and keep them in your trunk for- WHY WON’T THEY FOLD, DAMN IT? WHY?!
3. Tickets to That Terrible Children’s 3D Movie When It Rains
Are you ready for smug animals exchanging mediocre puns for the next eighty minutes? Are you? ARE YOU?! Get pumped because you’re going to need to be to even hear this movie over the countless droves of infants, either too terrified of or delighted with the wacky characters in this movie to give a shit about what they’re saying. What they’re saying, by the way, is probably a mediocre pun.
