Based on overall spending for the 2011-2012 fiscal year, I propose a major financial overhaul of my weird, lame-ass twenty-two year old life.
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“It’s crazy to think that my kids won’t know what VCRs look like. Or fax machines. Or raisins.” — Father of 4 blind children.
— Amir Blumenfeld (@jakeandamir) March 20, 2012
Give your bro an LGBT shirt, tell him it means “Let’s Get Bitches Tonight,” Laugh as he accidentally makes the world a better place to live
— H. Caldwell Tanner (@caldy) April 4, 2012
You say “tomato,” I say “I really wish you’d stop naming fruits, we’re in the middle of planning Dad’s funeral.”
— mah ree nah (@marinarachael) April 2, 2012
People always say meat comes from innocent animals, but how do you know a steak didn’t come from a cow that was rapist?
— Kevin Corrigan (@kevincorrigan) February 3, 2012
READ posters for people who don’t have the “time” or “desire” to go to the library.
Roll your cursor over the text to see what it really means…
Today, after pooling all our lunch money together to buy tickets, we had an important meeting to discuss how we would spend our 640 Million dollars when we inevitably win the lottery tonight. Here are our top picks:
1. Dive into the money Scrooge McDuck style and use the bloodied coins to pay for my medical bills.
2. Buy 640,000,000 lotto tickets next week and go for the repeat.
3. Slip Israel & Palestine each a cool $20 mil to stop making my google news feed such a bummer.
4. Finally buy that Princess Di Beanie Baby.
5. Fund the next five seasons of Arrested Development then never let anyone see them.
6. Buy and then immediately close every single Staples in the country.
7. Buy a disposable razor, use it once, then just throw it away.
8. A Freaks & Geeks reunion where everyone’s older and it’s set in the 90’s.
9. Pay off the Dave Matthews Band to never play a song ever again.
10. Hire the best bodyguard in the world to protect me and the best hitman in the world to kill me and wait and see who wins
11. Make it rain, with the climate control machine I bought. Then afterwards, make it snow.
What you said in December: It’s not that cold out right now and this windbreaker over my fleece is doing the trick for now. Sure it looks idiotic and doesn’t match anything I wear, but I read on this fashion blog written by a 13 year-old that not matching is the new matching. I didn’t believe it at first, but she’s got like 300 followers, so she must know what’s up.
What you said in February: OK, there were a couple days where it was actually freezing out, but that’s what the turtleneck, doubled NorthFace fleeces, and thick plastic raincoat are for, right?
What you’re saying now: Good thing I didn’t waste my money on a fancy coat. I would have only worn it like sixty times. Now I have that money to spend on useful things. Who wants to go drink on a porch? I’m buying.
What you said in December: I am the best kid ever. Did I get my mom a lame book for Christmas? Nah. I spent 80 bucks on a Kindle. Beat that, Cousin Kevin.
What you said in February: No, mom, you need an Internet connection to download a book. The house wi-fi doesn’t reach the car. We’re on the phone now. That’s different from wi-fi. Yes, my phone also has wi-fi. Listen, I’ll just put some books on it when I come home for President’s Day.
What you’re saying now: No, mom, you keep downloading The Girl With the Dragon Tattoo in different languages. Just- no. I should have gotten you a scented candle like Kevin.
