Articles (Page 8)

We asked and you voted. Here are the top 25 sitcom couples of all time…

25.
 Doug Funnie and Patty Mayonaise – “Doug”

Doug and Patty’s love clearly doesn’t extend towards their future children, who, one way or the other, are screwed in the last-name department.

24.
 Ben Wyatt and Leslie Knope – “Parks and Recreation”


It’s not every day a guy who isn’t Bill Clinton can survive a political blow like sleeping with someone you shouldn’t. Ben’s love for Leslie prevented a scandal, and also his goals for the future, minus the one about being in love. So it’s all fine.




23.
 Frank and Marie Barone – “Everybody Loves Raymond” 



Frank and Marie’s undying devotion can probably be entirely attributed to the fact they can spy on their son 24/7. Nothing unites two people quite like meddling in their immediate family’s affairs.


1. Gums

   He’s not gonna do it.

2. Teeth

   Oh, he’ll do it. What did it say on the calendar?

3. Gums

   I don’t know.

4. Teeth

   Denial doesn’t make things go away, gums. You’re old enough to know that.

5. Gums

   No, I seriously don’t know. I can’t see, remember?

6. Teeth

   Oh, right. Eyes, what did it say?

7. Eyes

   “Dentist appointment, 3 PM.” Also, “Return The Blind Side.”

8. Ears

   Wait, why did we watch that again?

9. Brain

   Shut up. It was touching.

10. Teeth

    Guys, I like our three-hour discussions about The Blind Side as much as the next body part, but now isn’t the time. We’ve got an appointment with the dentist in five hours, and what does he do every morning this happens?

11. Gums

    …

12. Teeth

    He tries to make up for six months of forgetting that gums are a part of his body in one morning, exactly. And what does that mean he’s going to do?

Dear Ex Girlfriend Michelle,

I know we haven’t spoken in a while, but I’m applying to fornicate with a new girl and she’s requested a letter of recommendation. I’ve already taken the time to write it, you just need to sign. It would mean a lot to me.

Thanks,
Dan

To Whom It May Concern:

I am writing on behalf of Daniel’s penis. I first met Daniel and his penis in the janitor’s closet freshman year, and I’ve known them for four years since. However, it was only during this past semester, when I had the pleasure of having Daniel’s penis in my Monday afternoon free period, that I really got to know them both well.

Throughout high school, other students and some faculty would often remark that Daniel’s penis was blessed with incredible talent. What many of them overlooked, and what I came to appreciate, is how hard Daniel and his penis worked to develop and refine said talent. The late nights, the early mornings, the countless hours poring over books in the library—they all contributed to making Daniel’s penis the penis it is today.

In my over twelve years of lovemaking, I have known only a few other penises with skill sets comparable to Daniel’s. However, most of these lacked its strong work ethic and attention to detail, and even fewer demonstrated an equal level of maturity. In particular, it knows when best to take charge and when it should instead defer to others’ judgment. I’ve never encountered another penis that works so flawlessly in both an individual and group setting.

It’s February 1 already and, just like this time last year, you’re realizing you haven’t kept any of the New Year’s resolutions you made to yourself a month ago. You could decide that late is better than never, and start going to the gym this afternoon – but let’s be realistic: you’re a lazy piece of sh*t. If you couldn’t start your resolutions on January 1 when all your friends did during that brief window of collective motivation, what makes you think you can now?

No need to beat yourself up over the fact that you’re a failure, though. Instead, here are some excuses you can tell yourself:

Get In Shape: You probably made this goal out of feelings of shame, self-loathing, and body image issues. “Maybe if I lose the gut and the double chin, chicks will finally talk to me,” right? Guess what. It’s not your level of fitness that’s acting as a pussy repellent. Look at guys like Alec Baldwin, Rick Ross, Tony Soprano– those guys are obese and still get soooo much ass. Your love handles aren’t what’s stopping you from getting laid; it’s your personality. Remember, you’re not just fat… you’re a failure. You can’t even keep simple promises to yourself.

Dear Scientists,

Make the flying sh*t. It’s time.

You’ve done a wonderful job making the future as envisioned by so many writers of the past come true. We have phones that talk back to us now and cars that tell us where to go. We have robots that clean our houses and televisions that have a third dimension. We can speak to someone face to face even though they’re on the other side of the world and we can even go to space on a whim. A good many of us walk around with a device in our pocket that contains the accumulated knowledge of five thousand years of civilization. You’ve done an incredible job with all of this. So I think it’s time we make the flying sh*t.

I know what you’re thinking, “but what about whole meals that come in pill form?” I’m sure if you put your minds to it, you could invent those, too. But nobody really wants that. We like eating meals. You know what we don’t like doing? Not flying. So let’s make the flying sh*t.

And you know what sh*t I’m talking about. I’m talking about anything with “hover” in it’s name. I know you can make it if you get to work. So go for it. Let’s make the flying sh*t.

Last week Republican Presidential nominee Newt Gingrich vowed to have a colony on the moon by the end of his second term. We just got an exclusive look at some of his early sketches. Take a look…

INTERIOR: DEATH STAR — CONFERENCE ROOM.

MOTTI: Any attack made by the Rebels against this station would be a useless gesture, no matter what technical data they’ve obtained. This station is now the ultimate power in the universe. I suggest we use it!

VADER: Don’t be too proud of this technological terror you’ve constructed. The ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force.

MOTTI: Don’t try to frighten us with your sorcerer’s ways, Lord Vader. Your sad devotion to that ancient religion has not helped you conjure up the stolen data tapes, or given you clairvoyance enough to find the rebel’s hidden fort…

Suddenly Motti chokes and starts to turn blue under Vader’s spell.

VADER: I find your lack of faith disturbing.

TARKIN: Enough of this! Vader, release him!

VADER: As you wish.

MOTTI: Stupid jerk! No one questioned whether you could kill anyone at this table. You’re made of freaking durasteel. But come on, the ability to destroy a planet is insignificant next to the power of the Force? The ability to destroy a planet? Insignificant?

Now, clearly we could let you know that Dancing with the Stars, Sex and the City, and the entire Lifetime network would make this list, but those are deal breakers. If you find yourself in that situation, run as fast as you can in the other direction. As far those that we’ve included on this list are concerned, these are what we call the “Gateway Shows” to hours upon hours of mindless, miserable shows that will leave any true man scratching his head or wanting to beat himself over the top of said head….

There’s no excuse for a dude who rocks his shirt off this much. Seriously, bro? You’re clearly trying to exhibit your masculinity or something, and it’s kind of creepy. Keep your shirt on.

I: Italy, 1474 AD

Me: Wow, Leonardo Da Vinci!

Leonardo Da Vinci: Yes, it is I.

Me: You rule! I come from the future, and in my time, you are known as a majestic artist!

Leonardo Da Vinci: Amazing! Tell me, what’s my greatest accomplishment?

Me: …

Leonardo Da Vinci: Are you serious, kid?

Me: The…statue. The naked one.

Leonardo Da Vinci: Yeah, that narrows it down. Prick.

Me: I liked you better as a ninja-turtle.

II Boston, 2034

Me: What…what happened to you?

Older Me: Lupus.

Me: Space-Lupus!?!?

Older Me: No.