uPick

I work at McDonalds, and we have recently started selling "McBites" (it's popcorn chicken) We sell chicken nuggets and chicken selects by the number (4 piece, 10 piece etc) but since bites are so small, we don't count them out, we just scoop them into what ever size box you pick. One day we were particularly busy and I had an especially long line, a man wanted to... Read More » order some of the bites. He asked how many pieces came in the largest box. I stupidly replied "I don't know the exact amount sir" to which he insulted me asking how we could have a new product and I know nothing about it. I responded "We don't actually count the pieces since they are bite sized sir, we sell these by weight not by how many bites are in the box" This reply infuriated him, to which he exploded angrily, further insulted my intelligence, and then stormed out. I pity this man, buying cereal must be total hell for him.

February 22, 2012

So my girlfriend of about 6 months told me last night that when she gets mad or upset with me she just wants to jerk me off. The fact she can grab onto it as hard as she wants and idk just go at it makes her feel better. Win for me!!

February 22, 2012

I work for Lowe's Home Improvement as a customer service associate. We get all kinds of stupid people and I knew that going into the job. A lot of people come from inside Philadelphia to our store, even though it's such a far trip. This one guy comes in with his daughter complaining that a saleswoman miscut his window blinds. I told him that I'd cut his blinds for him to... Read More » avoid any trouble. He told me that his blinds had been cut to 28 inches or more and he wanted them cut down. He handed me a slip of paper with the measurements on it , which read "27 1/2 and 5/8 inches". I assumed he meant he wanted 5/8 inch blinds cut to 27 and 1/2 inches. I cut them and came back to the desk where the man measured them and told me they were way off. I cut them again to 27 and 1/2 inches and even measured them myself before returning to the desk. He asked for a manager. Before I go any further into this ridiculous story, let me mention that carpenter's tape measures have eighths and quarters written out in addition to the half marks, so each tape reads 1/8 then 1/4 then 3/8 and so on. When my manager came up I explained the situation and he asked the man exactly what he wanted cut. Then his daughter starts trying to explain to us what 27 1/2 means. Then the man cuts her off, takes my manager's tape measure and points to 27 1/2, then counts over to 27 5/8 and says "twenty-seven and one half... and FIVE EIGHTHS!" He thought we were stupid but this mean clearly doesn't know how to read a tape measure. He doesn't even understand how fractions work, thinking that 27 and 5/8 was read 27 and 1/2 and 5/8! How this guy made it as a carpenter amazes me. So many houses are probably collapsing as we speak.

February 22, 2012

I had a really Mormon roommate and she would get mad when I had friends over, especially guys. She would bang on the wall and would tell my friends they'd have to leave at 9PM. It got to the point where I would have my guy friends over and we'd jump on the bed making sex noises and when she banged on the wall we'd bang back.

February 22, 2012

I was on exchange in India when I was 16 and my friend thought it would be cool to buy a "genuine indian hunting knife" - one of those awesome giant curved blades. We lived in dorms and had occasional room checks. Inevitably one of the Dorm Parents found his knife, but instead of getting him in trouble he just asked how much he had paid for it, and proclaimed that... Read More » my friend had paid 3 times too much. He then proceeded to check my friend out of boarding for the day to track down the seller and demand the money back. indian boading schools... awesome

February 22, 2012

I have been fooling around with this guy for about 5 months and I wondered why we never got beyond kissing and light petting. I recently found out the reason. He thinks I don't want to have sex and is happy about it. On the other hand he would like to sleep with me but is afraid I'll fall in love with him. Sometime I think he's the girl.

February 22, 2012

All these chemistry jokes are getting old. I think it's time to barium.

February 22, 2012

I work in customer service at a big name home improvement retailer. Every time I get a complaint on the phone the customer demands to know my name. I always tell them David, and only because there are more David's in our store than any other name. When they ask for a manager I call one of my friends from another department. He answers the call, gives the name of an actual... Read More » manager and proceeds to act like an asshole before hanging up. Today I wondered, "How have either of us kept our jobs?"

February 22, 2012

So my girlfriend has got into the habit of giving me oral whenever I get a important phone call in. She thinks it funny as I try to keep a solid tone of voice. Little does she know there is a fake call application that shows name of caller and everything and you can even schedule a time for it to call. Needless to say I have been having fake conversations with a app and get... Read More » head now on demand pretty much.

February 21, 2012

Back in High School we had this one friend who would always drink our beer, which in our dry county was even more a precious commodity than it is. To teach him a lesson we waited till we were good and drunk and refilled our beer bottles with clear piss. Next time he came over I made sure I had the good beer hidden and of course he took a beer without asking. We let him get... Read More » through 1 1/2 convinced it was just skunky beer before we broke out laughing.

February 22, 2012

I've seen people doing this time and time again, open browser (homepage is google) / search for google in google / access google again / search for the site they want ie.facebook / access facebook. No knowledge what so ever of address bar or bookmarks. Worst thing is i'm not talking about the elderly, this are people around my own age.

February 22, 2012

At one point during the semester I had some guys below me who didn't understand that you were supposed to be quiet during "quiet hours" and could frequently be heard around 3 a.m. screaming at their Call of Duty game and how unfair each round was. At first I tried to ignore them, close my window and what not so they wouldn't sound as loud. Next I politely asked... Read More » them if they could keep it down after 11 during the week (I had an 7 a.m. class everyday), which they decided meant to be extra loud that night. What they didn't realize is that I'm a member of our college cross country, and usually have to wake up around 5 a.m. on meet days to get to the bus. I decided one morning that I would give them a little taste of their own medicine and proceeded to jam out to my normal pump up tunes as loud as my speakers could go. Within minutes I heard angry shouts from my lower floor counterparts about wanting to sleep and that I should, "shut that f**king music off because some people are trying to sleep." I almost wish I felt bad about being insensitive to their sleep schedule.

February 22, 2012

Did you hear the one about the blind gynecologist? He reads lips.

February 22, 2012

I used to work at a computer store, as tech support. One day a woman in her 30's comes in and tells me she couldn't install her brand new printer. So I take the user manual, show her all the steps and she tells me she already did those but that when she's done, an error message pops up on the screen. She then got a piece of paper from her pocket, and read the error message... Read More » she had written down : ''Please connect the USB cable and turn on the machine'' So I asked if she had done this, she replied that she had in fact connected the USB cable but that she didn't think starting her car would be relevant. I then told her ''machine'' meant ''printer'' and then she asked, obviously pissed off, ''How the hell was I supposed to know that ? I thought it meant I'd have to start my car. A machine is a car.'' To this day I still don't know how she got that idea.

February 21, 2012

If a tree falls in the woods, and no one is around to here it, how many hipsters will buy the album?

February 21, 2012

I work at a restaurant, and on a very busy Saturday night my boss had me take time away from my tables to text somebody a penis, because he couldn't figure out how to do it on his phone... 8======>

February 21, 2012

As teenagers, my friends and I were like most other teenagers - drinking underage and trying to not get caught. Well, one of our favorite spots to drink was this park that had a pavillion and picnic tables. Occasionally a cop would ride through the park, but they would always come in on the far side so we would see them and have more than enough time to run without being... Read More » noticed. Well, i guess they started to get smart cuz one night, a cop rode into the park on the opposite side - the side closest to us. We all took off running until we heard the cop yell "get back here now or you're gettin tazed!" so my 4 friends and i reluctantly walked back to the cop. He was sitting on the picnic table that had our bottle of booze on it. He had us all sit down with him, and then he started lecturing us. Pretty much, he said he understood what it was like to be a teenager and to drink underage, but he doesn't want us leaving a mess at the park for smaller kids to see during the day. So instead of writing us all underage consumption/posession tickets, he turned on his spotlight, shined it on the pavillion floor and had all of us pick up 5 pieces of trash and throw it away, and then let us go. Nicest cop i've ever met!

February 21, 2012

I think this story makes me smile more than others. So I got an emergency call from work saying I needed to get there asap (I worked for the state at the time). So I hop in my car and head towards work all the while I have a suspended drivers license. I get a half mile from my house and get pulled over. After sitting in the car saying to myself obscenities to my self for 10... Read More » minutes the cop gets out and walks up. To my surprise it was a lady cop....a very fine lady cop. We went through the paperwork bit and then I had to go stand by her car. She tells me to put my hands on the car and proceeds to put her hands on me (I'm thinking it's getting good). She proceeds to frisk me, but let I remind you it is illegal for opposite sex to frisk you. I didn't object because she was sexy. She grabbed my man parts full grope not once, but TWICE! I thought it was awesome! Until I got put in the back of the car. You know what got me out of trouble? Being 19 and having a case of beer left in my trunk. Cop kept the brew and gave me a ride home and I didn't have to pay. I'm a cheap date.

February 21, 2012