Chatting with my girlfriend I was expressing my worries for an upcomming exam. She replied with "don't worry about the grade, it won't matter when you're a 'stay-at-home-husband'." She's a keeper.

I was doing a little food shopping with my girlfriend (ex-girlfriend). In the produce section, she noticed a red apple in the green apple section. She took the red apple and placed it with other red apples. She then said to me "The red apple was sad, it needs to be with its friends". In retort to her sophomoric logic, I took the same apple, ate it, and said, "There, now the... Read More » apple is dead." She broke up with me because I was cruel and inhumane. IT WAS AN APPLE! IT HAS NO FEELINGS!

The other night I was sitting on the couch cuddling with my boyfriend. Feeling sentimental, I kissed him on the cheek and told him I loved him. In response, he said "I love you too, babe. Want to hear a really cool fart sound?!" and proceeded to blow raspberries on his hands. He was right, it was a really good fart sound.

So I did post a part of this story before, forgive me, but I thought you deserved the whole thing. My boyfriend and I were on his couch making out the other day, after casually turning on the television, not paying much attention to what was on. A few seconds later, we realized star wars was playing. Me, not thinking anything of it, continued making out with him. I then... Read More » kissed his neck, and hugged him. After about 30 seconds he was still motionless. I said "You're watching Star Wars aren't you?" to which he responded "I don't want to say yes... but it's not no...". In order to fix the situation, I decided to flash him. His response? "Star Wars and boobs, best day ever!" A few minutes later this happened again, only this time, instead of flashing him, I went for the epic staredown method. After a while of this, he stopped, his only response being "I wish your boobs could shoot lasers." I wholeheartedly agreed.

I wish my gf was as cool as the girls that post on here. Instead, she doesn't find any of this funny. FML.

About a year and a half ago, I gave a drunken hand-job to my roommate's brother. Afterwards, we laid in my bed and discussed how we both loved Collegehumor and some of the recent articles.