Jokes

Apparently, someone in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard.

I saw a man at the beach yelling "Help, shark! Help!" I just laughed, I knew that shark wasn't going to help him.

If I had a nickel for every time I failed math, I would have 23 cents

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile. The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

If a twosome is sex with two people, and a threesome is sex with three people, then now I know why I keep getting called handsome

People say men think about sex every 7 seconds, so I try to eat hot dogs in 6 seconds so it doesn't get weird.

So, I tried to start a support group for people with sexual disfunction... Nobody came.

the awkward moment when an atheist sneezes

Medical Fact: If you took all the veins from your body and laid them end to end, you would be dead.

I locked my keys in my car outside of an abortion clinic the other night. It turns out they get really pissed when you go in and ask them for a coat hanger.

I almost had a threesome on valentines day. I just needed two more people

i told a couple chemistry jokes yesterday.....there was no reaction

If John has 30 candy bars and eats 25 of them. What does John have left? Diabetes, John has diabetes.

The CEOs of Budweiser, Guinness, Coors, and Miller all walk into a bar after a beer-tasting contest. The CEO of Budweiser steps up to the bar and says: "I'll have a Budweiser, the King of Beers!" The Coors CEO says: "I'll have a Coors, the beer as cool as the Rockies!" The Miller CEO says, in turn: "I'll have the good ol' taste of a triple-hops brewed Miller!" The CEO of... Read More » Guinness ponders for a moment and says to the bartender: "Oh, I'll just have a Coke." Bewildered, the other 3 CEOs stare and ask why he didn't order a beer. The Guinness CEO shrugged and said "Well, if you weren't ordering beer, I didn't think I would either".

I used to listen to dubstep in the 90's . . . every time I hooked my computer up to the internet

i was walking past the mental hospital the other day, and all the patients were shouting, ''13....13.....13''. the fence was too high to see over, but i saw a little gap in the planks, so i looked through to see what was going on.... some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. then they all started shouting ''14...14....14''

Two men walk into a bar, the first man says "I'll have an H2O." the second man says "That sound's good, I'll have an H2O, too." The second man died . . .

A doctor wanted to write a prescription, so he reached in his pocket and pulled out a thermometer. "Shit," he said, "some asshole has my pen."

Q: What gets easier to pick up the heavier it gets? A: Women

"Wanna hear a joke about sodium hypobromite?" "NaBrO."