Jokes

How come we choose from just two people for president and 50 for Miss America?

The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.

That disappointing moment when you find a coin on the ground, and pick it up only to discover it's Canadian....

Does anyone else think it's ironic that ketchup packets say "Fancy Ketchup" on them? I've never really seen any liquid that comes in a plastic bag that I would call "fancy"...except maybe blood bags.

I am a Schizophrenic. So am I.

Steve Jobs cannot die. We all own one of his Horcruxes.

Unprofitable toll roads don't make any cents.

If turtles actually knew karate and ate pizza, a lot more people would have pet turtles.

Rihanna should date Lebron James... Lebron doesn't beat anyone.

Wouldn't the world be a cleaner place if we have blind people a broom instead of a cane? Just an idea...

Knock Knock. Who's There? The Army. The Army who? I'm sorry but your husband has been killed in action.

Roosters call their penises "guys."

Why does Mr Universe always come from the Planet Earth?

If I had a dollar for every time I had no idea what was going on, I'd be asking people why they were giving me dollars.

"I need to go to anchor management!" – pissed off student at Coast Guard Academy.

I'd like to get into French real estate. I'm going to buy an old Parisian apartment building, renovate it, and call it the Napoleon Complex.

The fact that the U and the I key are close together always fucks with me whenever I'm drunking and get drink.

I just ate pizza for every meal today. I think that makes me a legal Italian citizen.

actions speak louder than words, but especially when you're deaf.

80% of people who get into car accidents say "Oh shit!" The other 20% are from Wyoming and say "Hold my beer and watch this shit!"