Roommate Confessions

my roommate farts, really loud, in his sleep almost every night. i dont do anything about it, it's just mad funny..

I used to have a massive bitch and slut for a roommate. She would talk down on people, acted like she knew everything even when proven wrong, and was known as the "house whore" for one of the frats on campus. I moved out before the year ended because I couldn't stand her anymore. A couple weeks later when I walked past my old dorm I noticed she left her window open, so I... Read More » went and captured one of the stray cats that always wanders near the dumpster, tossed it in the window and shut it in. I stayed for a few minutes to watch it freak out, tear up everything and piss everywhere. She was fined $1500 for having an "unauthorized pet" and for the damage it caused.

My roommate is a decent human being to talk to, but his nonverbal actions would make anyone go crazy. He eats chips and nuts obnoxiously loud with his mouth open, smells, slams the door in the early mornings, leaves for home on the weekends without turning off his 730am alarm... and the list goes on and on. He's a smart kid, but he thinks he's the most clever kid to have... Read More » lived. He always has these stupid little experiments in our room that are just worthless, like burning vegetable oil and other random shit that smells, or tries new ways to get rid of his excessive acne (which actually makes his acne worse and leads to him popping his zits on our mirror, which he never cleans). After talking to him numerous times about all of these things, he still hasn't changed. At the beginning of the year, he bought a 40 dollar, loud-ass dehydrator because he was going to use it for multiple reasons like meat, veggies, and of course his stupid little experiments. Well this lasted for about a week before he got tired of it and he hasn't used the damned thing since. The other weekend when he was gone and his fucking alarm went off at 730, i couldnt get back to sleep, so i took the liberty of pissing in a bag of doritos he had, threw them in the dehydrator, and before he got back, put the chips back in the bag. The first thing he does when he gets back? Opens up his bag of piss-covered chips and starts crunching with his mouth open. It didn't even bother me... I just sat back and smiled

I'm pretty sure you've figured it out by now, but I maced the toilet paper when I moved. Miss you! :P

While out of town my room got painted pink with butterflies. Touche. In retaliation, the next time my roommate left town I took the trim off of his bedroom door and drywalled over the opening. Taped, mudded, and painted as though the door never existed. Oh, and before I did this I wrote a script that emitted random 'meows' from his computer and hid his cat in my room... Read More » when he got home. The best part was when he tried to bust through the drywall by slamming into it. Did I forget to mention that I had reinforced the doorway with a giant "X" made of 2x4? My bad...

some dumb girls on my hall decided a great prank would be to steal our dirty laundry and throw it on the roof of the dorm. Real funny, who misses dirty laundry or even cares if it gets rained on and shit after all it is dirty. Not me. Anyways in return while two of the girls were away for a weekend I had every guy on the hall shit in their toilet and not flush. A heaping... Read More » pile of shit greeted them when they returned. It clogged when they tried to flush it and the heaping pile of shit covered their bathroom floor. Sooooo gnarly

My one roommate used to be one of the coolest dudes I eve met. We hung out for a full year and decided to live in an apartment together with a third guy. Me and the third guy ended up being great friends, and my original roommate got insanely addicted to WoW. As many of you know, this is a disease worse than death, because the potential to be fun still exists, but is... Read More » never used again! Knowing how much it meant to him to play his game (averaging on 8 hours per day), i got on his computer and deleted random files out of the WoW folder on his computer. Later that night I hear him bitching on the phone to someone about how his computer is broken and how his game is all messed up and how he is missing gear and shit. The third roommate and myself laughed a lot at his anger and confusion over the mysterious problem and how he has to reinstall all the damage i did. Maybe you should come out and spend time with what used to be your friends instead of killing WoW creatures for gold!

I get really annoyed when my roommate will not do dishes, clean up after himself, or follow through on things he had agreed to do in order to play World of Warcraft, so I set up his router to block the connection to the servers at random times throughout the day for ten minutes or so at a time. I don't know maybe you could use that extra time to put a dish or two in the... Read More » dishwasher?

My roommate just told me he used a snack pack to jerk off in the shower during a church retreat when he was in middle school. Sorry Bobby, but that's way too hilarious to keep to myself.

Every time my roomie came back trashed from some party at 2am, he would snore intolerably loud. After throwing things at him for a few minutes I discovered that it was nearly impossible to wake him. I spent the next hour and a half rocketing balled up dirty socks at his face instead of trying to go to sleep. Now I convince him to go to parties as often as he can.

Freshman year I had this awful roommate that would eat and drink my stuff. He was the only guy that did this out of the four of us that lived together. We all agreed that it would be pretty dumb to label food and drinks because we're all at Berkeley and should know what is and isn't ours. Well, we were wrong. One day, we just had enough. The guy drank a lot of our apple... Read More » juice so we decided just to finish it and replace it. We put Pine Sol in the apple juice container and the smell almost killed us. Just to be safe, we wrote "Do not drink! Poison!" and marked a line where we had put the Pine Sol up to in the bottle. The next day? The Pine Sol was lower than our line. He never ate or drank our crap again.

I lived with a complete prick for a few months. things were great at first but then he started treating me like shit. so every time he pissed me off or treat me horribly, I'd dump liquid laxatives in his food. when I got bored of that, I switched to the powered kind. do you know how many types of food you can put powdered laxatives in? oh I do. right before I moved out, I... Read More » had a great time finishing off a jumbo bottle of miralax. Have fun sitting on the toilet asshole.

One afternoon i was alone in my dorm and I did what most guys do when they are alone. Just before the grand finale, I realized I was out of tissue and there wasn't anything around without getting up, except a gatorade bottle. So I sealed the bottle and put it in the recycling and went to the practice. When I got home I saw my roommate using that bottle as a spitter. He... Read More » licked the rim and said his chew kinda tasted salty! I immediately told everyone I knew, except him. Several hundred people secretly laugh at him behind his back for basically fellating me.

My roommate was a really big stickler for rules and such, and would freak out about just about everything. He was being a prick at one point, and decided to change the background on my computer. He was possibly one of the biggest nerds ever- obsessed with things like Amanda Bynes and N'Sync (which he played often, singing very loudly, and very off-key). So when he changed my... Read More » background, if was little surprise that he changed it to a Pokemon character. So to get back at him for his "prank" (and his horrid choice of music/singing) I decided to prank his computer. I took a screen shot, and then removed all of his icons, so it looked like they were there, but he couldn't click on them. Then I rigged his computer so that every time he turned it on and off, it would say loudly in a Homer Simpson voice, "Three simple words: I am gay." Then I set my computer up on my desk, which was across from his, to video the whole thing. When my roommate came back, he had a major freak out. Best of all, I caught the whole thing on video, and put it up on youtube.

There were two annoying girls in the same hallway as me. One night, two of my friends from the other end of the hallway came back really drunk. I convinced those two girls to piss in a bag and shove it under one of the annoying girls rooms. Listening to that bitch screaming and watching her rave in the hall through my door made my entire semester. Thanks :)

Last night my I came into the room and my roommate was blarring Justin Bieber's song one less lonely girl. My roommate is a 19 year old guy. FML

you locked your dog in my room and it shit every where so did you not expect me to throw all your stuff in the washer and add some shit niblets HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR BROWN SHIRTS,PANTS,SHEETS

This year, I have to check out five days early from housing because of some family stuff. To get back at my roommate for calling me the K-word whenever she gets drunk (that would be the most anti-Semitic slander there is, and that would be most of the time), I've stuffed partially defrosted shrimp cocktails into almost everything she owns, and now I'm just waiting for them... Read More » to rot. I might be worried about her seeing this online, except I already downloaded a bunch of illegal songs on her computer and she's been banned from the campus network.

I never did this but my dad did. When he was in high school there was this one kid who would bum smokes off everyone. My dad being a hunter would take about 5 smokes out of every pack and take a little tabocco out of the end and put gun powder in them but just enough to ruin the smoke but not hurt anyone just scare the shit out of them. So one day in the cafeteria this kid... Read More » ask for one, so my dad gave him one of the gun powder ones and about 5 minutes later a flame shot out of it because my dad put a little too much gun powder in that one. While everyone was laughing my dad had accidently grabbed one too and when the little pop came from the gun powder he was scared shitless.

One night I fell asleep with no sheets, when I woke up I realized I had my roomates spare sheet over me...I was moved by the beauty of what my roomate did for me, Grant, I love you man (and the sanctum (thats what i insist we call our dorm room)).