Roommate Confessions

I used to have a massive bitch and slut for a roommate. She would talk down on people, acted like she knew everything even when proven wrong, and was known as the "house whore" for one of the frats on campus. I moved out before the year ended because I couldn't stand her anymore. A couple weeks later when I walked past my old dorm I noticed she left her window open, so I... Read More » went and captured one of the stray cats that always wanders near the dumpster, tossed it in the window and shut it in. I stayed for a few minutes to watch it freak out, tear up everything and piss everywhere. She was fined $1500 for having an "unauthorized pet" and for the damage it caused.

You remember all those times you came in pissed and took everyone's food out of the freezer? Left the oven, gas, and freezer on and open all night a few times every week? When your douchbag friends would come in, trash the flat, and we'd foot the bill? That you and your douche of a boyfriend would flick used condoms out of your window on to the gate, and you never admitted... Read More » it? Well.. 2 years is enough. Prawns stuffed in to your curtain rail made that gag-worthy stink in your room. Sorry you couldn't find the source, and you had to foot the bill for fumigation. Certainly not sorry you moved out soon after!

my roommate farts, really loud, in his sleep almost every night. i dont do anything about it, it's just mad funny..

My roommate is a decent human being to talk to, but his nonverbal actions would make anyone go crazy. He eats chips and nuts obnoxiously loud with his mouth open, smells, slams the door in the early mornings, leaves for home on the weekends without turning off his 730am alarm... and the list goes on and on. He's a smart kid, but he thinks he's the most clever kid to have... Read More » lived. He always has these stupid little experiments in our room that are just worthless, like burning vegetable oil and other random shit that smells, or tries new ways to get rid of his excessive acne (which actually makes his acne worse and leads to him popping his zits on our mirror, which he never cleans). After talking to him numerous times about all of these things, he still hasn't changed. At the beginning of the year, he bought a 40 dollar, loud-ass dehydrator because he was going to use it for multiple reasons like meat, veggies, and of course his stupid little experiments. Well this lasted for about a week before he got tired of it and he hasn't used the damned thing since. The other weekend when he was gone and his fucking alarm went off at 730, i couldnt get back to sleep, so i took the liberty of pissing in a bag of doritos he had, threw them in the dehydrator, and before he got back, put the chips back in the bag. The first thing he does when he gets back? Opens up his bag of piss-covered chips and starts crunching with his mouth open. It didn't even bother me... I just sat back and smiled

My old roommate used to own the house we lived in together in college. He's a good guy, but was a douche roommate and a terrible landlord to boot. The primary reason was that he was a hypocrite about everything. He was the filthiest bastard that lived there, though none of us were necessarily neat freaks. But he was nagging us constantly about cleaning up. This guy left... Read More » plates with food on them in the sink for days, half eaten shit on the table, cum rags lying around, you name it. Then periodically he would lie and tell us that his mom and dad were coming up for a football game that weekend and we needed to clean the house. Suffice it to say, they never came and he was conveniently unavailable to clean. So in my best passive/aggressive revenge I waited until he was gone for the weekend and proceeded to wipe my ass with the inside of all of his pillow cases. This wasn't pure shit mind you, just that daily dose of ass juice, but enough fecal matter to do the trick. I covered the smell with a spray of febreze and he enjoyed an epic case of pink eye.

Last year my roomate sold alot of weed. Enough that people were in and out of my house all day everyday, so I could never nap on the couch, I would always have to entertain strange hippies when you were never home when you told them to meet you, I would be woken up all the time on weeknights, etc. None of this even bothered me until you tried to not let me smoke all the... Read More » weed I wanted to for free. But when you implemented your new policy, I started breaking into your room, and farting into your personal jars. Everytime you wanted to impress people with the dankest nuggs of the latest harvest, they would smell the jar, cringe, and ask what else you had. Gotcha bitch!

Okay so me and my roommate get along and everything but recently he feels thats its necessary to wake me up by rattling my bed in the middle of the night because of my snoring he has done this the past week everyday and I'm sick so I'm getting no sleep and feel like shit every morning so i decided to make a bet with him that i could control. the bet was a slap bet that i... Read More » wouldnt fuck my girlfriend for a week and we pretty much do it about 5 times a week so it was going to be pretty hard and it was very hard i had actually lost the bet but told him that i never fucked her so now when he falls asleep before me i slap him in the face so hard he almost cried once. Now i tell him if he shakes my bed i will slap him again :) i have unlimited slaps by the way.

some dumb girls on my hall decided a great prank would be to steal our dirty laundry and throw it on the roof of the dorm. Real funny, who misses dirty laundry or even cares if it gets rained on and shit after all it is dirty. Not me. Anyways in return while two of the girls were away for a weekend I had every guy on the hall shit in their toilet and not flush. A heaping... Read More » pile of shit greeted them when they returned. It clogged when they tried to flush it and the heaping pile of shit covered their bathroom floor. Sooooo gnarly

My one roommate used to be one of the coolest dudes I eve met. We hung out for a full year and decided to live in an apartment together with a third guy. Me and the third guy ended up being great friends, and my original roommate got insanely addicted to WoW. As many of you know, this is a disease worse than death, because the potential to be fun still exists, but is... Read More » never used again! Knowing how much it meant to him to play his game (averaging on 8 hours per day), i got on his computer and deleted random files out of the WoW folder on his computer. Later that night I hear him bitching on the phone to someone about how his computer is broken and how his game is all messed up and how he is missing gear and shit. The third roommate and myself laughed a lot at his anger and confusion over the mysterious problem and how he has to reinstall all the damage i did. Maybe you should come out and spend time with what used to be your friends instead of killing WoW creatures for gold!

I'm pretty sure you've figured it out by now, but I maced the toilet paper when I moved. Miss you! :P

Two years ago I decided it was time to prank some friends and one of my roommates. This was not because they did anything that annoyed me or that they deserved it, but simply because it was April Fools. After watching Dumb and Dumber I was quite enticed by the turbo lax scene and was then dead set on somehow pulling this off myself. After brainstorming for a bit I decided... Read More » chocolate laxative cookies would be the best bet. I then proceeded to bake a dozen jumbo size chocolate chip cookies laced with 4x the recommended dosage of the chocolate laxatives and 3 cookies that were clean. then i took these cookies to movie night with some friends and set them on the table. I then ate one of the non lax cookies that i had strategically placed on top to show that they were safe. After I took the initial bite my friends dug in. For the next 12-24 hours 6 of my closest friends (4 guys 2 girls) butt holes were on fire due to flaming diarrhea every 30 mins. The next day I told them that it hit me as well and must have been some bad ground beef that we used for burgers.

One afternoon i was alone in my dorm and I did what most guys do when they are alone. Just before the grand finale, I realized I was out of tissue and there wasn't anything around without getting up, except a gatorade bottle. So I sealed the bottle and put it in the recycling and went to the practice. When I got home I saw my roommate using that bottle as a spitter. He... Read More » licked the rim and said his chew kinda tasted salty! I immediately told everyone I knew, except him. Several hundred people secretly laugh at him behind his back for basically fellating me.

Every time my roomie came back trashed from some party at 2am, he would snore intolerably loud. After throwing things at him for a few minutes I discovered that it was nearly impossible to wake him. I spent the next hour and a half rocketing balled up dirty socks at his face instead of trying to go to sleep. Now I convince him to go to parties as often as he can.

Ok. Seriously dude, when I put salt in your contact solution, I did *not* expect your eye to have such a serious reaction to it. Get over it. Look on the bright side, the eye-patch is a great conversation starter.

I lived with a complete prick for a few months. things were great at first but then he started treating me like shit. so every time he pissed me off or treat me horribly, I'd dump liquid laxatives in his food. when I got bored of that, I switched to the powered kind. do you know how many types of food you can put powdered laxatives in? oh I do. right before I moved out, I... Read More » had a great time finishing off a jumbo bottle of miralax. Have fun sitting on the toilet asshole.

While out of town my room got painted pink with butterflies. Touche. In retaliation, the next time my roommate left town I took the trim off of his bedroom door and drywalled over the opening. Taped, mudded, and painted as though the door never existed. Oh, and before I did this I wrote a script that emitted random 'meows' from his computer and hid his cat in my room... Read More » when he got home. The best part was when he tried to bust through the drywall by slamming into it. Did I forget to mention that I had reinforced the doorway with a giant "X" made of 2x4? My bad...

My roommate just told me he used a snack pack to jerk off in the shower during a church retreat when he was in middle school. Sorry Bobby, but that's way too hilarious to keep to myself.

I've lived with the BIGGEST DOUCHEBAG roommates for almost 2 years now and they all make fun of me to my face thinking I'm oblivious to it. So I laugh right along with them but I'm laughing for a completely different reason. Every time they bust on me I would make it a point to do one of the following 1)piss in the orange juice, they wondered how orange juice went bad so... Read More » quick 2)rub their toothbrush over my dick or the toilet, usually alternating between the two 3) blow a load in their white shampoo, my personal favorite, man was their hair shiny 4) I'm tech savy so I made sure their PC broke down on a monthly basis; they thought it was for too much porn! 5) piss on some of their clothes on the weekends so they thought they just pissed themselves 6) sometimes if they had some sort of white condiment in the fridge (mayonnaise anyone?) I would blow a load into it...trust me they deserved it. They were terrible roomates, blared music, never cleaned, always left a huge mess, broke things in the apartment and didn't fix them, broke some of my stuff and wouldn't be a man and take responsibility for it, oh yea and they drugged me with ruffies. Oh and on top of all that, I can't wait till they try and get jobs when you google their names and blacked out photos of themselves show up, thanks to myself. Well fellas thanks for the beer, parties, ladies, and best of all a lifetime of laughs :)

I get really annoyed when my roommate will not do dishes, clean up after himself, or follow through on things he had agreed to do in order to play World of Warcraft, so I set up his router to block the connection to the servers at random times throughout the day for ten minutes or so at a time. I don't know maybe you could use that extra time to put a dish or two in the... Read More » dishwasher?

Me and my roommate freshman year lived down the hall from these two girls one was nice but the other girl was a disgusting pig and was always stumbling in our room drunk and her breath smelled like a babies used diaper. One night she (the pig) had a hot friend come visit her and we ended up drinking with them. The pig ended up passin out in my room with my roommate and her... Read More » other roommate was nowhere to be found so me and her hot friend went back to the girls room to bump uglies. When it was time for the explosion I whipped off the condom and blew the little kids all over their black futon, then watched them clean it the next day. It left a stain.