Rough Love

My now ex girlfriend and I were having sex on the floor on blankets and cushions as her bed creaked too much and her housemates were in the next room. We also had her itunes playing to set the mood and hide the illicit encounter it was however to random. Suddenly the pokemon (gotta be the very best) song came on and she stops riding and looks up with a deadpan face before... Read More » singing the whole song with elaborate hand movements whilst I was still inside her. We never finished as it was too funny. Probably should have fought harder to keep her...

I went on two dates with this girl I met online. I was thinking that we were just going to be friends first. She didn't. She immediately thought I was her boyfriend after barely getting to know each other and only hanging out twice. This was all after I read the 9gag post about crazy girls and "Run to the Hills" by Iron Maiden. So needless to say when she told me that, I... Read More » heard Bruce Dickinson's voice in my head to run for my life...

My roommate is so loud in bed (whether with a guy or by herself) that she has woken us all up multiple times. Despite regular complaints, she doesn't control herself no matter who is home, if significant others are over or what time of day it is. She masturbates every day. One time, I was so annoyed I tried to embarrass her by applauding and cheering, but she couldn't hear... Read More » me over herself. I have never managed to orgasm (which she knows), so this is getting old really fast. + this if you think this should escalate into a Roommate Confession-level retaliation.

Every time after my husband and I get done having sex he slaps my ass and says good game.

My fiancee doesn't like when I ask to have sex because she thinks that asking for it takes all the pleasure and excitement out of it. Well, one day I went a whole day without talking to her while I was at work. When I got home the only thing I said was 'hi' and sat down on the couch kind of ignoring her. After sitting apart for some time watching tv, she comes over and... Read More » starts making out with me. One thing led to another and we starting having sex doggie style (her favorite position). As I was about to finish she says, 'I just washed my hair, don't get it in my hair.' As I pull out, my little soldiers rocket out all on the back of her head and she quickly turns around, looks at me and says, 'Will, what the fuck!?' Not knowing I was still cumming, I shot my guys all over her face which quickly stopped her from her tirade and the only time I can tell my friends I gave my fiancee a facial...by accident.

Chatting with my girlfriend I was expressing my worries for an upcomming exam. She replied with "don't worry about the grade, it won't matter when you're a 'stay-at-home-husband'." She's a keeper.

My girlfriend's handjobs feel like she's playing tug of war with my penis.

I was doing a little food shopping with my girlfriend (ex-girlfriend). In the produce section, she noticed a red apple in the green apple section. She took the red apple and placed it with other red apples. She then said to me "The red apple was sad, it needs to be with its friends". In retort to her sophomoric logic, I took the same apple, ate it, and said, "There, now the... Read More » apple is dead." She broke up with me because I was cruel and inhumane. IT WAS AN APPLE! IT HAS NO FEELINGS!

When I used to get pissed off at my (now ex) boyfriend, I would pull out his beard hairs with my teeth. He would scream like a baby.

About a year and a half ago, I gave a drunken hand-job to my roommate's brother. Afterwards, we laid in my bed and discussed how we both loved Collegehumor and some of the recent articles.

Me and my (ex)girlfriend have been dating for nearly 3 years. We broke up back in April and got back together a month later. Now in December she breaks up with me over text saying that she wasn't happy and she's found someone else that makes her happy. She says she's got some of my things that she would like to give back, but you know what I would like to get back even more?... Read More » The 3 years I spent with that bitch and all the money I wasted on her only to have her break up with me over text...what a bitch.

The other day I teased my girlfriend that she should do the dishes because shes the chick...This was her response "I watch CSI. I can make your death look like an accident. I watch CSI. I can make your death look like an accident. If the dishes are'nt done in five minutes" "how is it my fault if it takes you more than five minutes to do the dishes"-was not the right response.... Read More »

I wish my gf was as cool as the girls that post on here. Instead, she doesn't find any of this funny. FML.

So I did post a part of this story before, forgive me, but I thought you deserved the whole thing. My boyfriend and I were on his couch making out the other day, after casually turning on the television, not paying much attention to what was on. A few seconds later, we realized star wars was playing. Me, not thinking anything of it, continued making out with him. I then... Read More » kissed his neck, and hugged him. After about 30 seconds he was still motionless. I said "You're watching Star Wars aren't you?" to which he responded "I don't want to say yes... but it's not no...". In order to fix the situation, I decided to flash him. His response? "Star Wars and boobs, best day ever!" A few minutes later this happened again, only this time, instead of flashing him, I went for the epic staredown method. After a while of this, he stopped, his only response being "I wish your boobs could shoot lasers." I wholeheartedly agreed.

The other night I was sitting on the couch cuddling with my boyfriend. Feeling sentimental, I kissed him on the cheek and told him I loved him. In response, he said "I love you too, babe. Want to hear a really cool fart sound?!" and proceeded to blow raspberries on his hands. He was right, it was a really good fart sound.

So I was sitting on the couch with my boyfriend the other day, and we were making out a little whilst star wars played in the background. He seemed slightly distracted, so I decided to give him an epic staredown. After observing this for a few seconds, his only response was "I wish your boobs could shoot lasers". I very much agreed with that statement.

For the first 18 or 19 years of my life I was a very scrawny and socially awkward boy. Ladies rarely paid me any mind, so when a female showed any interest I basically would cling to that not caring anything about the person she truly was. This happened to me during my first semester of college. She was gorgeous, and I loved her to death, but as the relationship went on she... Read More » Needy, overly sensitive, and kind of a bitch. I was oblivious to this at the time due to my sight being clouded by first love and all the sex we had. We are no longer dating nor talking due to a nasty break up. For a while I was very depressed and couldn't get over her, but I started training in MMA to cope. Fast forward 2 years, I have gotten into great shape and I am an amateur fighter coming off of a win on my 21st birthday (had my first beer afterwards and it tasted like watered down piss) and another fight coming up this summer. Well to tie things together, I'm at a party with one of my close female friends (lets call her Amy) who is still friends with my ex via facebook. Don't ask me why, but she is. While I was conversing with Amy she asked me about my ex. I said I cut contact with her and hadn’t talked to her. According to Amy, since the break up my ex has done nothing but party and go to raves, and is currently dating a man who is very scrawny and not very attractive compared to me. In Amy's words my ex "downgraded since dating me". Yes, I know I shouldn't have complete faith in what someone says from what they see on facebook, but in all honesty it felt nice believing that I was my ex’s peak while I have yet to hit mine.

Over spring break, my boyfriend and I were hanging out at my house, and I had my back turned to him when he started yelling "Anna! Anna! Come look at this! ANNA!" I thought that it was probably something fantastic, so when I went to look, and found him freaking out at my backyard, I didn't get it. It was only when he finished "Anna! Look! There's a family of squirrels! Son... Read More » of a bitch!" and then carried a chair to the porch to watch them like a TV show that I realized two things. First, my boyfriend is ridiculously excitable. Second, maybe most people don't have squirrel families.

A while ago I was hanging out with some guy friends, when they got hyped up on testosterone and started wrestling. I'm what people like to call 'dainty' so when the stopped for a while and I jumped into the mix by showing them a few chokeholds, how to throw elbows, and going back and forth punching each other's hands (pretty hard, too), they were shocked. When one of them... Read More » finally asked "Why do you know all this stuff?" my answer was, "Oh, well, you know...I date a madman." They understood. My boyfriend trains in MMA, and we've been wrestling and sparring for a year and a half. Dainty wrestling FTW.

My boyfriend and I each try to be selfless, and focus on the other person first when we're messing around. Unless we're interested in endless 69, we have to take turns, and so far the best way we've found of deciding on turns besides calling dibs is...naked wrestling! The first person to like what's happening to them too much to fight back loses taking their turn first, but... Read More » in the end, everyone wins.