The Roast of Facebook

The Roast of Facebook

By

Ben Joseph & CollegeHumor Staff

          EXT. CONCERT HALL - NIGHT



          A sign indicates that tonight is the ROAST OF FACEBOOK. LAUGHTER

          emanates from within.



          INT. CONCERT HALL - CONTINUOUS



          A number of websites (MYSPACE, TWITTER, FOURSQUARE, etc.),

          all represented by their logos, sit on a DAIS. GOOGLE's at the

          podium. The LAUGHTER from his last joke fades.



                              GOOGLE

                    But now, people spend an average of

                    3 hours a day on Facebook. Of

                    course, for 2 hours and 54 minutes

                    of that, they're trying to figure

                    out their privacy settings.



          LAUGHTER.



                              GOOGLE

                    Seriously, Facebook collects so

                    much personal information he's

                    going to be on an upcoming episode

                    of Hoarders. He stacks up ad keywords

                    like they're back issues of

                    National Geographic.



          LAUGHTER.



                              GOOGLE

                    But hey, your ads could be worse.

                    Look at MySpace!



          MYSPACE wears a PETER GRIFFIN MASK and holds up a sign that

          says "WATCH FAMILY GUY!"



                              GOOGLE

                    You're more desperate to make money

                    than than a jdate user.



          LAUGHTER. JDATE, in the audience, does a spit-take.



          MySpace quickly removes the mask and puts away the sign.

          Amid LAUGHTER, Google leaves and TWITTER takes the stage.



                              TWITTER

                    Guys, somebody call a janitor, a

                    fourteen-year-old girl puked all

                    over the stage!

                         (beat)

                    Oh, sorry, that's just MySpace.

                         (beat)

                    MySpace! What a fucking disaster.

                    My space between my balls and my

                    anus gets more hits than you.



          LOUD LAUGHTER.



                              MYSPACE

                         (nervous)

                    All right, let's remember who we're

                    roasting here.



                              TWITTER

                    Facebook! You know how I know The

                    Social Network was a lie? It made

                    Mark Zuckerberg interesting.



          LAUGHTER.



                              TWITTER

                    That guy really puts the "ass" in

                    Aspergers. Your Terms of Service

                    could be a more dynamic leader. 



          LAUGHTER.



                              TWITTER

                    Hey, Zuck here's a Status Update

                    for you: You're fucking the same

                    ugly Asian chick you were before

                    you became a billionaire.



          LAUGHTER.



                              TWITTER

                    Moving on! The mayor of nobody

                    gives a fuck anymore, FourSquare!

                         (beat, hushed)

                    But seriously, MySpace, you look

                    like shit.



          MySpace smiles weakly as FourSquare takes the stage.



                              FOURSQUARE

                    And I thought that asshole had a

                    character limit.



          LIGHT LAUGHTER. PANDORA, on the drums, delivers a RIM SHOT.



                              FOURSQUARE

                    Facebook! You ruthless

                    motherfucker. You've screwed over

                    more rich white guys than the

                    Wednesday night line up at the

                    Hustler Club.



          LAUGHTER.



                              FOURSQUARE

                    Now, I'm not saying all of

                    Facebook's features are stolen, but

                    I did just see him buying Facebook

                    Questions out of the back of some

                    black dude's El Camino.



          LAUGHTER.



                              FOURSQUARE

                    But who am I to judge? You're huge!

                    The only thing more popular than

                    your "Like" button is MySpace's

                    "Delete Account" button.



          LAUGHTER and some "OOOs".



                              FOURSQUARE

                    MySpace. Thank God for failed

                    musicians, because without them,

                    you'd just be a failed website.



          FourSquare sits down amidst LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE. MySpace takes

          his place. He puts on GLASSES and takes out an official

          looking FOLDER.



                              MYSPACE

                    Now, for my jokes. About Facebook.

                         (clears his throat)

                    Some scientists found Facebook

                    might cause depression. No wonder

                    the website's blue.



          AWKWARD SILENCE.



                              MYSPACE

                    Gizmodo.com thinks you're "not

                    technically competent enough to

                    trusted." Isn't that- That's something,

                    right?



          AWKWARD SILENCE. GIZMODO, in the audience, shakes his head, not

          wanting to be pulled in.



                              REDDIT

                    Don't you use Facebook Connect now?



                              MYSPACE

                    I DON'T WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!



          MIC FEEDBACK. Awkward silence.



                              MYSPACE

                    Hey, remember when Facebook's third

                    party apps leaked all that user

                    info? What are you, a website? Or

                    the Titanic? Cause- of the leak.



          GROANS and BOOS.



                              REDDIT

                    Down-vote!



                              YOUTUBE

                    You're worse than The Situation!



                              MYSPACE

                    Come on, guys!

                         (desperate)

                    Friendster! You know what I'm

                    talking about.



          FRIENDSTER, in the back, in a tux, serves drinks.



                              FRIENDSTER

                    I'm just working tonight, man.



          POST-HUH:



          COLLEGEHUMOR is at the podium with a HUGE STACK OF PAPERS.

          He reads jokes to a bored audience.



                              COLLEGEHUMOR

                    ...and that's just my 231st joke

                    about poking.



          The audience starts walking out. c



                              COLLEGEHUMOR

                    Guys, where are you going? I have

                    so many more of these!