They're photo finished.
By Amir Blumenfeld and Patrick Cassels
INT. COPY ROOM - DAY
AMIR, in a suit, walks by the the new xerox machine reading
DECISION POINTS (by George W. Bush). He notices the machine
and is floored.
Sweet Larry, Mother of Pearl...
Amir takes a step towards the machine.
Xerox Workcentre 7328. Yes, this is
PAT pops up from behind the machine. Amir, still speechless:
I have a contact at the Xeer' and
he told me we were on the wait-list
for one of these bad boys six
months ago. I thought he was
pulling my schlong...
He wasn't. 26 PPM color, 28
black-and-white, four trays, three
page layouts, two toner shades, one
hell of a machine.
Light production finisher?
Optional (examining) buuut it looks
like we exercised it.
Best part, they're still using the
7200 series down the hall.
Well, that's a quality machine.
Beat. They both erupt in laughter. Patrick steps towards the
machine holding a piece of paper. Amir snatches it out.
Whoa! What are you doing?
Taking this baby for a text drive.
Are you kidding? You've never used
this machine before.
Uncorrect. They debuted this model
at CopyCon Kansas City 2k10.
Didn't see you there.
...Weird. I was.
So you must have seen keynote
Mitch Albom. "Handshake Your Way to
the Top" Very moving.
Lucky guess. Where'd you stay?
Me too. Complimentary breakfast?
With monogrammed waffle iron.
Regardless, I was loading letter
when you were an extern at Enron.
Out of my way.
Amir tries using the machine. There are some confusing BEEPS
and MECHANICAL NOISES. It's clearly not working.
NOPE. It's just warming up.
I don't think so. They clocked the
7328's warm-up time at 7.5 seconds.
That's not official.
Pat leans close to Amir's face.
You know, I think I saw an InkJet
down the hall.
Step aside. Let a real eBay power
seller troubleshoot this bitch.
Pat presses some buttons.
Your problem is you're treating
this like a copy machine when it's
a 5-in-one workstation: Copy.
As Pat talks, a HORRIBLE GRINDING NOISE rises from the
machine until it's unbearable. Amir looks concerned.
...Laminate-- jesus okay I'm
calling tech support!
Pat grabs his phone. CU on his waist, there are an
unreasonable number of BlackBerries, beepers, etc. clipped
Amir grabs the phone, throws it and stomps on it.
And tell them what? That we took a
$15,000 dump and we want mommy to
come wipe it for us?
We're not qualified to provide
maintenance on the 7328.
Amir leans into the xerox machine and points.
No, I think I've located the
problem. It's right...
(points slowly to Pat)
Pat shoves Amir back. Amir, furious, unbuttons his shirt.
Striking first. Read your HR
manual. "Employees under attack are
Pat, accepting Amir's challenge, unbuttons his shirt.
"...to defend themselves with force
commensurate to the initial blow!"
Just before they kill each other, Pat and Amir notice each
other's shirts. They're both wearing identical "Sore
Loserman 2000" tees.
Hey guys? The bathroom is seriously
overflowing. Still. So...?
Right. Yes. On it, sir.
Pat and Amir grab buckets and mops and scurry out like rats.
Streeter removies Amir's paper from the machine and reads.
Is- is this a kill list?