Hands Down Pants

Hardly Working: Hands Down Pants

By

Patrick Cassels & Dan Gurewitch

          INT. WHEELHOUSE - 10 MINUTES IN THE FUTURE

          DAN, PATRICK, AMIR and SARAH sit around.

                              SARAH
                    And this graph clearly shows that
                    tango is a vertical representation
                    of a horizontal desire. Everyone
                    turn to your taupe binders, and-
                         (noticing the guys)
                    What are you doing?

          The guys are all sitting with ONE HAND IN THEIR PANTS, Al
          Bundy-style.

                              PATRICK
                    What? Listening to you.

                              SARAH
                    Why do guys always sit like that?
                    with their hand in their pants?

                              DAN
                    Are you secretly trying out your
                    stand-up again?

          THREE QUICK FLASHBACKS: Sarah; various situations/people:

                              SARAH
                    You ever think about how nobody's
                    last name is ever Christ? You never
                    meet a Bruce Christ. / You know why
                    I can't get into baseball? Too many
                    goatees. / Doesn't "Grape Nuts"
                    sound like an insult? "Hey, nice
                    cereal, Grape Nuts."

          CUT BACK TO THE GROUP.

                              SARAH
                    No, I'm serious. Why are you doing
                    that?

                              DAN
                    I dunno. It's just where your hand
                    naturally goes.

                              AMIR
                    It's a place to put it. It's warm?
                    I never really thought about it.

                              PATRICK
                         (quiet, pensive)
                    It feels like home.

                              SARAH
                    It's gross.

                              DAN
                    You're gross.

                              SARAH
                    You're holding your dick in public.

                              PATRICK
                    Just let it go.

                              SARAH
                    No! It's inappropriate.

                              DAN
                         (EXACT shot as before)
                    You're gross.

                              AMIR
                         (very conspiratorially)
                    Boys... can I see you in the
                    kitchen?

                                                          CUT TO:

          INT. KITCHEN - MOMENTS LATER

          The guys file in, dead serious.

                              AMIR
                    That was close.

                              ALL THREE
                    Too close.

                              PATRICK
                    She practically figured it out.

                              DAN
                    Status check.

          The guys UNZIP THEIR FLIES, revealing SMALL COMPUTERIZED
          KEYPADS affixed to the front of their underwear.

                              AMIR
                    If Sarah finds out that we're
                    communicating with each other via
                    secret keypads on our groins...

                              PATRICK
                    It's too dangerous. Maybe we should
                    stop using them and-

          Dan SLAPS Patrick.

                              DAN
                    And WHAT, Patrick? Give up our
                    access to the confidential
                    communication network that
                    functions as a direct line to all
                    male brains across the globe?

                              PATRICK
                    I'm as loyal to the grid as anyone,
                    but-

          A NOISE O.S.

                              AMIR
                    She's coming! CONCEAL!

          The guys quickly ZIP UP THEIR FLIES as Sarah enters.

                              SARAH
                    You just left the meeting. You
                    can't do that, you- oh, come on.

          WIDE SHOT: All guys with a hand down their pants, frozen.

                              SARAH
                    In the kitchen?

          C.U. on Dan's frozen face. We hear BLEEP AND BLOOPS. His
          eyes look intensely at Patrick. PAN DOWN slowly to Dan's
          crotch where his hand "types" frantically under his pants.
          (It looks like masturbation!)

                              SARAH
                    What do you have to say for
                    yourself?

          Patrick looks at Amir while frantically "typing" beneath his
          pants. Bleeps and bloops.

                              SARAH
                         (grossed out)
                    What's going on?

          Amir looks at Dan and Pat, frantically crotch-typing.
          Sarah's face contorts into further disgust.

          WIDE SHOT: All three guys AGGRESSIVELY MOVING THEIR HANDS
          BENEATH THEIR PANTS.

                              SARAH
                    Ugh!

          Sarah storms off, repulsed. The guys sigh, relieved.

                              AMIR
                    That was close.

                              ALL THREE
                    Too close.

                              PATRICK
                    From now on, let's make sure that-

                              DAN
                    Guys...

          Reveal SPARKS FLYING from Dan's crotch.

                              DAN
                    CODE BLUE! SAVE YOURSELVES!

          Pat & Amir reach into their crotches. Gesture/sound imply
          they're TURNING A LARGE KNOB. With a futuristic noise, they
          DISAPPEAR, leaving Dan to DIE BY ELECTROCUTION.

          A sad, lonely shot of Dan dead on the ground, his fly open,
          keypad fizzling slightly.

          END.