The Roast of HBO

The Roast of HBO

By

Ben Joseph

          EXT. CONCERT HALL

          There's a large SATELLITE DISH and a SIGN out front:
          BROADCASTING LIVE... THE ROAST OF HBO!

          INT. CONCERT HALL - CONTINUOUS

          Personified TV NETWORKS (MTV, USA, TNT, COMEDY CENTRAL,
          etc.) sit on a DAIS. AMC's at the podium. The LAUGHTER from
          AMC's last joke fades.

                              AMC
                    HBO! You've aired some
                    controversial footage over the
                    years. You even put an abortion
                    on television once! But enough
                    about Entourage.

          LAUGHTER.

                              AMC
                    And True Blood? Come on. You
                    seriously passed on Mad Men so you
                    could air Twilight for nymphos?

          LAUGHTER.

                              AMC
                    In all seriousnesses, HBO, it's an
                    honor to pick through your trash.
                    Especially if you keep throwing
                    away Emmys.

          LAUGHTER and some OOOs. USA takes AMC's place at the dais.

                              USA
                    HBO! You know we like you, right?
                    You don't need to keep showing us
                    your boobs to get our attention. We
                    have Starz for that.

          LAUGHTER. ANGLE ON STARZ, drunk and skanky. RIMSHOT from the
          house band. 

                              USA
                    Thanks guys. MTV, don't be scared,
                    the sound you hear coming from that
                    group of people? It's called music.

          LAUGHTER.

                              USA
                    Jesus, MTV, you used to be cool.
                    Now you're 2 Red Bulls and a date
                    rape case away from being SpikeTV.

          SPIKETV, douchey, flashes the SHOCKER.

                              USA
                    Seriously, MTV. Pull it together
                    before VH1 offers you a reality
                    show.

          LAUGHTER. TBS takes the dais.

                              TBS
                    Give it up for USA! They now have
                    almost as many boring shows about
                    well-dressed white people as CNBC.

          LAUGHTER.

                              TBS
                         (re: the dais)
                    Look at all you unfunny assholes.
                    No wonder TV is history.
                         (beat)
                    Oh, sorry, History Channel:
                    "History" is a word that means "the
                    past", not "rednecks putting
                    themselves in danger" or "lies
                    about aliens."

          LAUGHTER.

                              TBS
                    Speaking of lies and rednecks, Fox
                    News everybody!

          LAUGHTER. CNN, next to FOX, does a spit take.

                              TBS
                    Hey, at least Fox still covers
                    news. CNN, you pay so much
                    attention to the Kardashians I
                    thought you'd joined the NBA.

          LAUGHTER. Fox laughs as CNN crosses his arms. SYFY, nerdy,
          runs up and pushes TBS out of the way.

                              SYFY
                         (holding up papers)
                    HBO! This is a formal petition for
                    you to produce a new season of the
                    space western Firefly. Simply
                    purchase the rights from FOX-

                              COMEDY CENTRAL
                    Hey, kid, your jokes suck!

                              SYFY
                    THIS IS NOT A JOKE!
                         (to audience)
                    As you can see I have over 300
                    signatures- AH!

          A HOOK yanks SYFY off stage. ESPN, a brash insult comic,
          takes his place.

                              ESPN
                         (casual)
                    See, HBO? I told you. You put one
                    freakin' dragon on your network...

          LIGHT LAUGHTER.

                              ESPN
                    Showtime! I'm not saying Weeds has
                    jumped the shark, but that last
                    season is getting its own week on
                    the Discovery Channel. Learn to
                    cancel a show.

          LAUGHTER.

                              ESPN
                    Adult Swim! If I wanted to watch a
                    stoner laugh at his own jokes all
                    night, I wouldn't have disowned my
                    son.

          LAUGHTER.

                              ESPN
                    G4! Fuse! GSN! I don't know what
                    the &*$% you are.

          LAUGHTER.

                              ESPN
                    Seriously, what are you? Something
                    about the Internet, right?
                         (clears his throat)
                    Now, please welcome three geezers
                    who remember when TV had tubes and
                    Leno was funny... The Networks!

          ABC, NBC, and CBS - aging Jewish comics - take the podium
          slowly. LIGHT APPLAUSE.

                              NBC
                    Oy, CBS! Have you ever seen so many
                    stations?

                              CBS
                    Feh! There's more letters in here
                    than Freeman's alphabet soup.

          ABC plays a SLIDE WHISTLE. SUPER LIGHT LAUGHTER.

                              CBS
                    Oh, stuff it! That bit was good
                    enough for Truman, it's good enough
                    for you.

                              NBC
                    I told you this was a mistake.
                    These kids ain't never seen a
                    rating bigger than my nut sack's
                    liver spots.

          GROANS and BOOS.

                              CBS
                    Oh, all you cable networks think
                    you're so cool and edgy. You'll be
                    yesterday's broadcast soon enough!

                              NBC
                    Ain't that right, radio?

          ANGLE ON: RADIO, WAY TOO OLD and in a WHEELCHAIR.

                              RADIO
                         (static-y)
                    THIS JUST IN: I DON'T KNOW WHERE I
                    AM RIGHT NOW!

          END.