So this year in AP government we had a kid in my class who was well not the smartest person ever. One day during the middle of the semester we were discussing how political parties affect the voting system this kid raised his hand and asked "Since my last name starts with a D does that mean I have to be a Democrat?". My mouth dropped and so no one said anything for almost 20... Read More »
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Shakespeare's Kate and William
By
Patrick Cassels
EXT. MOVIE THEATER -- RED CARPET
A movie premiere. PRINCE WILLIAM and KATE MIDDLETON stand at
the doors, posing for REPORTERS and PAPARAZZI.
WILLIAM
Kate and I are thrilled to be in
America. And what better stop than
a real Hollywood film premiere?
REPORTER 1
Prince William, how did you two
like Disneyland?
WILLIAM/KATE
It was smashing!
REPORTER 2
David Pussy, E! News Online. Kate,
The Sun has photos of you patting
your tummy. Should we be ready for
some baby announcements?
PAPARAZZI 1
O-M-fuck, is Kate preggers?
KATE
Nothing so exciting I'm afraid.
WILLIAM
Thank you all!
Kate and William wave and head inside the movie theater.
INT. STAGE VERSION OF A SNACK BAR - CONTINUOUS
We transform to a Shakespearean stage play. From here on out
all the action is blocked theatrically.
William and Kate ENTER STAGE RIGHT. William is furious.
WILLIAM
Thou art with child?!
(to himself)
O! Should mine flesh dissolve in
this very snack bar, I would thank
Zeus on high for delivering me from
such heavy shame.
KATE
My liege, it be false!
WILLIAM
An unwelcome in the lineage would
tear our kingdom asunder. Thou hast
threatened our noble monarchy.
(disgusted)
Withdraw, woman! Anon I shall watch
the new "Alvin and the Chipmunks"
alone.
KATE
(on her knees)
With all my heart, I know not where
E! News caught whispers of a new
heir. Only that such whispers came
not from these lips.
PIPPA (O.S.)
No, they came from these.
ENTER PIPPA MIDDLETON, Kate's sexy, whip-smart sister. Think
Beatrice in "Much Ado." The AUDIENCE (who we REVEAL) GASPS.
KATE
Pippa! Hast thou shared my womb's
secrets to yonder blogosphere?
PIPPA
Indeed! 'Twas Us Weekly's ear I
seized at a masquerade, a most
"spirited" evening.
WILLIAM
(to Kate; furious)
Zounds! If thy sister spent less
hours sharpening her tongue and
more hours biting it, she would not
be resigned to spinsterhood!
KATE
Pippa, why hast thou betrayed thee?
PIPPA
"Betrayed?" 'Tis only by my most
cunning intervention that your
husband's rightful claim to the
throne is secure. Without an
heir-apparent, his succession is as
fragile as yonder extra large
popcorn combo.
Pippa taps an overstuffed popcorn. Kernels roll off and onto
her hands. She stares at them, wild-eyed, and whispers:
PIPPA
Behold these hands: stained with
butter. Will they never be clean?
WILLIAM
Ha! A fine bard thou wouldst make
with such tall tales. What man
would wish to usurp my crown?
PIPPA
Your brother.
The audience GASPS again.
HARRY (O.S.)
Lies!
ENTER PRINCE HARRY, an wicked hunchback. Think Richard III.
KATE
Harry! Speak! Either now or with
thy head upon the block!
HARRY
(slithers to William)
My good brother, it's clear this
wench means to besmirch my name so
that she might gain my Dukedom.
PIPPA
Ha! What more could I do to
besmirch the name of a ginger!
HARRY
Insolence! Guards! Seize her!
Two USHERS stand by, looking confused.
USHER
(a dumb California teen)
Uh, we just work here.
HARRY
SIEZE HER, I SAY!
The ushers shrug and grab Pippa.
PIPPA
Mark my words, Harry. People shall
here of this villainy. People
magazine. I know the editor--ARGH!
Harry draws a dagger and STABS PIPPA. Blood spurts out.
Harry walks DOWNSTAGE, chuckles, and starts a soliloquy.
HARRY
The light of nobility shines not
upon this brow, living as I do in
my brother's shadow. And so I am
determined to be... a villain.
The audience BOOS and HISSES.
HARRY
I spend my eve's suckling from the
bosom of Bacchus, drinking the milk
of paradise, courting ladies of
virtue rotten...
(dropping Shakespeare tone)
And smoking pot. Also one time I
snorted vodka on a dare, and this
other time I punched a reporter and
dressed up like a Nazi. Huh huh.
A herald of TRUMPETS cut Harry off. Everyone kneels.
KATE
Hark! The Queen approaches!
ELIZABETH enters in full armor, followed by a regal PARTY.
WILLIAM
Mumsy?!
ELIZABETH
William, trust not your brother.
HARRY
A pox upon your withered visage!
What proof hast thee?
A JESTER hops out from the queen's party.
JESTER
(to Harry; off his skin)
Her Majesty needs not proof of thy
trespass; thy face is caught
"red-handed!"
LAUGHTER from the audience.
HARRY
Shut up, father.
PIPPA
(to Jester)
Prince Charles! Does the Queen
speak the truth?
JESTER
My lady, I could not lie to such a
amorous visage as thine. Or,
rather, I could not lie upon such
an amorous visage? Eh?
Shocked LAUGHS from the audience. This was naughty for some
archaic reason.
ELIZABETH
It is true. Alcohol may fill
Harry's stomach, but deceit fills
his heart. For I read it... on TMZ.
The audience GASPS. Harry, desperate, charges Elizabeth, but
William draws a sword and RUNS HARRY THROUGH. Harry FALLS.
HARRY
(with his last breath)
The witches prophecy fulfilled! So
ends the life of Harry: prince,
soldier, and Arizona's #3
wing-eating champion. I fall!!!
ELIZABETH
Let us make haste from this so sad
scene. An interview have I with
Albert of the Rokers.
EXIT ALL except for an usher, who turns to the audience.
USHER
Go now, good people. 'Twas the
tale/Of lady Catherine and her
Wail, uh, -iam.
He BOWS. CURTAIN. END.
| cast | |
| William | Thomas Middleditch |
| Kate | Deanna Russo |
| Pippa | Ingrid Haas |
| Harry | Matt McManus |
| Elizabeth | Melinda Lee |
| Charles | David Futernick |
| Usher 1 | Cory Howard |
| Usher 2 | Josh Rachford |
| Bodyman 1 | Luke Sholl |
| Bodyman 2 | Jacob Womack |
| Reporter 1 | Lindsay Ames |
| Reporter 2 | Ariana Madix |
| Papazzi 1 | Ben Siemon |
| crew | |
| Director | Matthew Pollock |
| Writer | Patrick Cassels |
| Producer | Creighton Desimone |
| Cinematography | Carl Herse |
| Editor | Kelly Hudson |
| President of Original Content | Sam Reich |
| Executive Producer | Spencer Griffin |
| Director of Post Production | Michael Schaubach |
| Production Manager | Sam Sparks |
| Assistant Production Manager | Jeremy Reitz |
| Post Production Producer | Lacy Wittman |
| Art Director | Alisha Silverstein |
| Hair and Makeup | Kat Tritto |
| Script Supervisor | Maria Bernal-Silva |
| Production Coordinator | Jeremy Reitz |
| Extras Coordinator | Carmen Angelica |
| 1st Assistant Director | Kirk Fellows |
| Sound Mixer | Bo Sundberg |
| 1st Assistant Camera | Barry Elmore |
| 2nd Assistant Camera | Devon Hoff-Weekes |
| Gaffer | Oliver Alling |
| Key Grip | Gabriel Patay |
| Best Boy | Stephen Chang |
| Grip | Cody Jacobs |
| Wardrobe Assistant | Ruby Jones |
| Hair and Makeup Assistant | Teddie Bergman |
| Erin Nichols | |
| Post Production Coordinator | Amanda Madden |
| Production Accountant | Christine Rodriguez |
| Assistant Production Accountant | Daniel Siegel |
| Erin Marshall | |
| Production Assistant | Ayesha Massaquoi |
| Nasser Khan | |
| Tim Neenan | |
| Intern | Telon Weathington |
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