Maidmer

Hardly Working: Maidmer

By

Dan Gurewitch & Patrick Cassels

          INT. OFFICE - DAYS INN

          PATRICK, STREETER & AMIR sit around talking.

                              PATRICK
                         (casually)
                    He wakes up in the morning. Does
                    his teeth, bite to eat and he's
                    rolling. Never changes a thing.

                              AMIR
                         (also casually)
                    The week ends, the week begins.

          DAN approaches, in a full SAILOR OUTFIT, holding a sack.

                              DAN
                    Friends! I've returned from my
                    year-long voyage on the SS Matilda!

                              STREETER
                    So she was seaworthy after all.

                              DAN
                    Not in the slightest. But after she
                    sank to the dark underbelly of the
                    sea, I was saved by a mystical
                    enchantress of the murky depths.
                    And I fell in love.

                              PATRICK
                    Ooh la la! Who's the lucky girl?

                              DAN
                    Not just a girl... a mermaid!

          Dan gestures. PAN OVER to a FREAKISH BEAST: THE TOP HALF IS
          A FISH, THE BOTTOM HALF IS A WOMAN'S LEGS (midsection
          blurred). Everyone else is repulsed: yells, gags, etc.

                              PATRICK
                    My God, Dan. That's not a
                    mermaid... that's a Maidmer.

                              DAN
                    What are you talking about?

                              AMIR
                    A Maidmer. You know, the legs of a
                    beautiful maiden, and the torso of
                    a motherfucking flounder.

                              DAN
                    I knew you wouldn't understand.

                              STREETER
                    What's there to understand? That
                    thing is an abomination.

                              DAN
                    Shh. She'll hear you. If she has
                    ears. Do fish have ears?
                         (turning to the Maidmer)
                    Honey, do you have ears?

          The Maidmer makes a horrific wet GURGLING SOUND. Everyone
          else recoils, disgusted. Dan laughs, turns to Maidmer.

                              DAN
                    Of course, how silly of me.

                              PATRICK
                    Dan, this isn't her world. You must
                    return her to the ocean.

                              AMIR
                         (taking out a HARPOON)
                    Yeah, or, or just kill her. Put her
                    out of her fish-ass misery.

                              DAN
                    Put that away!

                              STREETER
                    She sounds like she's in pain...
                    like she abhors walking the Earth
                    as God's mistake.

                              DAN
                    RACIST!

          Streeter looks confused. The maidmer spits up a small chunk
          of seaweed slime on Dan's shoulder.

                              AMIR
                    What are you gonna do, buy a tank
                    in the suburbs and wait for your
                    children to hatch? From eggs?

                              DAN
                    I dunno, but we're sure gonna have
                    fun finding out.

          Dan embraces the maidmer, sensually rubbing the side
          of his face on its gills. Everyone recoils again.

                              DAN
                    And regardless, how dare you stand
                    there and judge me? You've never
                    traversed the highs and lows of
                    a... seafaring romance.

          On "seafaring," Dan turns his face away from the gills,
          revealing it's RASHED AND BLOODY. Everyone recoils: "AHH!"

                              DAN
                    Hey honey, let's sing the song we
                    practiced!

                              AMIR
                    Why?

                              DAN
                         (starts singing)
                    "Oh we ain't got a barrel of
                    money..."

                              MAIDMER
                    [HORRIFIC TONELESS GURGLES]

                              DAN & MAIDMER
                         (Dan sings over MAIDMER'S
                         HORRIBLE GURGLES)
                    "But we'll travel along, singin'
                    our song, Side By Side!"

          The others are speechless.

                              PATRICK
                    Even if we accept that your love
                    with this horrendous creature is
                    real... how are you going to have
                    sex?

                              DAN
                    Easy. She has a vagina.

                              PATRICK
                    Oh yeah. You have my blessing!

                              STREETER
                    Uh, Dan?

          Streeter points to the Maidmer: it's on the ground, DEAD.

                              DAN
                    WHAT? BUT I-?!
                         (suddenly very casual)
                    Ooohhh, riighhhttt, luuuunngs.

          END.