Make your voice heard or they'll do it for you.
By Patrick Cassels
INT. POLLING STATION
TITLE CARD: "NOVEMBER 6, 2012"
PAT steps into a voting machine. The curtains loudly SLIDE
shut behind him.
Welcome back! Geez, has it been
four years already?
I won't waste your time. Just give
me a crank-er-ino, snag an "I
Voted" sticker and I'll see you in
Excuse me, but do you know he's
gonna pick you this time?
He's a progressive 20-something
living in a major metropolitan
area. I'm basically his only
Come on! Think how much it'll piss
off your parents!
Pat nods at this.
Hey hey hey! Hold up. Don't you,
like, hate paying taxes?
I guess so.
Congratulations, you're a
Sure! Unless you want your sick
grandma to be put on a death panel.
Pat considers the Republican Knob.
Hey! Have you forgotten 2008?
Change? You posted picture of
Obama wearing sunglasses on Tumblr.
Tumblr. Does that mean nothing?
Pat thinks some more. PAN DOWN the booth to reveal the THIRD
Yeah! Don't mind us!
Honestly, why do us third parties
even bother coming out.
Hey, I'd totally vote for you guys.
Don't fuck with us! Do you even
know what our platform is?
Um, more, er, less tax...
Yeah, nice try.
Just go ahead and vote Democrat and
turn this country into a Socialist
SOCIALIST PARTY KNOB
Ooo! Did somebody menton me?
COMMUNIST PARTY KNOB
Brothers! Vhy do ve fight? Only
UNITED can ve be STRONG! Like Ivan
Drago in Rocky IV!
Didn't he lose in the end?
I'm sorry, guys. I'm just a little
overwhelmed right now.
(fast-tongued carnival barker)
You look like a lost lad who can't
make up his bean!
Yeah, I guess--
Well it's your lucky day, good sir.
What if I told you I could offer
you the best of both worlds? The
civil liberties of Barry-O-B with
the fiscal conservatism of the GOP?
Just slow down.
Did you know Libertarianism is the
#3 political party in the country?
Not to shabby, eh? I'm R.C. Cola.
I'm Linux. You've tried the rest,
now try legalized prostitution!
Are... are you okay?
DOWN to reveal the GREEN PARTY KNOB, with a huge joint in
it's "mouth" (?).
GREEN PARTY KNOB (JOSH)
Nah, he needs to mellow out. Dude's
trippin' balls. It's like our motto
says, "No Pills. No powders."
Pat pulls a Green Party pamphlet from it's pocket. It indeed
says "No Pills. No powders." in a very official font.
Is that marijuana I smell?! Do I
need to call the cops on you pot
GREEN PARTY KNOB
The Green Knob spits the joint to the ground.
(oddly kind voice)
Sorry, could you, like, not litter?
Sorry, I- Wait, are you the Green
Goodness no. American Nazi Party.
Super great to meet you. Yeah, I'm
still a thing.
REVEAL PLAQUE. It's indeed the AMERICAN NAZI PARTY.
Oh my God.
NAZI PARTY KNOB
Now would you kindly use those
filthy jewfrican-loving hands of
yours to pick up your garbage?
TEA PARTY KNOB
Hey, Nazi Party! Why don't you grow
a pair of stones, huh?!
NAZI PARTY KNOB
Yes sir, sorry sir.
Hey, the Tea Party's not an actual
TEA PARTY KNOB
And Obama's not a real American, so
I guess we're even.
You know what? You've all given me
a lot to think about. I'm going to
take some time to get informed
before I cast my vote. Thank you.
Honestly. Really. Thanks.
Pat exits the booth. He calmly walks to the registration
table, where a CLERK greets him.
Hi, yeah, the knobs in that voting
machine all talk and it's freaking
me the fuck out.
Two old-timey looking WHIG and BULL MOOSE knobs, way at the
bottom of the booth, wake up with a loud snort.
Goodness! Did we miss another
BULL MOOSE KNOB
Let's bust some trusts!
Oh God, who woke them up?
Down with Jacksonianism!