Batsh*t Crazy Acting Teacher

Batsh*t Crazy Acting Teacher

By

Mitch Magee & Josh Ruben

          INT. BLACK BOX THEATER - NEW YORK CITY - LATE EIGHTIES

          SHOT ON A LOW-FI VIDEO CAMERA: A very serious acting class.

          Pan across a roomful of serious acting students, young and
          eager.  Bad hair, turtlenecks and scruff.

          The teacher, YEARDLY TINSLEY, 60s, Irish, a failed actor,
          paces on the stage in front of the kids.

                              YEARDLEY TINSLEY
                    What is acting?

          A CUTE STUDENT raises her hand.

                              CUTE STUDENT
                    Acting is about listening.

                              YEARDLEY TINSLEY
                    No.  Anyone else?  No?  Acting. 
                    Acting is about yelling.

          A BEARDED STUDENT nods, takes notes.

                              YEARDLEY TINSLEY
                    NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!

          Long awkward pause.

                              YEARDLEY TINSLEY
                    Everybody up.

          JUMP TO:

          The class stands in a circle.

                              YEARDLEY TINSLEY
                    Put your hands together.  Clap
                    'em.  Repeat after me: People like
                    acting.  ("People like acting".  I
                    like to act.  ("I like to act.") 
                    It's a good profession.  ("It's a
                    good profession."  It can be
                    unrelenting.  ("It can be
                    unrelenting").

          Improvise a few more rounds of ridiculous call and repeat
          between him and the students.

          JUMP TO:

          The students sit in a circle.

                              YEARDLEY TINSLEY
                    Acting is about telling stories. 
                    About being an open vessel.  You
                    gotta be willing to wear your heart
                    on your sleeve.  Se we're all going
                    to tell a secret to the circle. 
                    Something you've literally told no
                    one else.

                              BUFF STUDENT
                    I thought actors aren't supposed to
                    share their secrets, just use them
                    to "get there" emotionally...

                              YEARDLEY TINSLEY
                    Maybe if we were learning how to
                    work on our quads and our squads
                    and pecs and whatever fuck at the
                    gym, you would be right.  But we
                    are not.  Okay, I'll go first.  My
                    son tried to kill himself.  Well he
                    did kill himself.  I blame myself. 
                    Next?  Secret's safe in the
                    circle.  Could be anything. 
                    Anything fucked up.

                              GIRL STUDENT
                    Um... I was molested when I was 10.

                              YEARDLEY TINSLEY
                    That is pretty fucked up.  I mean. 
                    There you go.  Very good.  But
                    that's fucked up.  Neighbor, or
                    father or?

          JUMP TO:

          A MALE STUDENT does a monologue on stage.

                              YEARDLEY TINSLEY
                    Stop, stop, stop.

          Yeardly joins him, and makes ridiculous adjustments - has
          him try the whole thing yelling, on a couch, holding a
          folding chair in one hand, his balls in the other.  Whatever
          else we improvise.

          JUMP TO:

          The students all lie on the floor in a cool down.

                              YEARDLEY TINSLEY
                    Feel your breath coming through
                    your third eye, out the negative
                    space in your stomach.  Imagine
                    you're on a windmill in outer space.

          As the students relax and breath, Yeardly opens a MEATBALL
          SUB and sloppily devours it as he walks between the
          students, delivering direction between mouthfuls of meat.

                              YEARDLEY TINSLEY
                    Begin to imagine just for a moment,
                    you're in a field of gently
                    billowing peach trees.

          A MEATBALL drops on kid's head.

                              YEARDLEY TINSLEY
                    Fuck.