Police

Very Mary-Kate: Police

By

Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich

          INT. BODYGUARD'S APARTMENT - NIGHT

          There is a knock at the door.  Bodyguard answers it.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Mary-Kate.  It's only 10.  And you
                    knocked.  You never knock.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Bodyguard, I've been thinking.  We
                    should get out more.  Meet more
                    people.  Let's start with my new
                    friend, Officer McCarthy.

          The door opens wider, revealing a police officer.

                              OFFICER
                    Howdy.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You guys are gonna be best
                    friends.  I'll leave you to it.

                              OFFICER
                    Hold on there young lady.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (lashing out)
                    I hate you!  I hate you! 
                    Bodyguard, I lied!  He's a bad
                    friend!  Don't make plans!  NO
                    BRUNCH!  NO BURNCH!

                              BODYGUARD
                    Is there a problem, officer? 
                    That's just a formality, I know
                    there's a problem.

                              OFFICER
                    Littering.

                              BODYGUARD
                    That's it?  I mean... well, great.

                              OFFICER
                    I caught her writing checks and
                    throwing them into a water
                    fountain.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I had big wishes and no cash!

                              OFFICER
                    Well, it's illegal.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You know, the legal system in this
                    country is for shame.  We need
                    reform!  Who's coming with me, no
                    one, well see you guys later.

                              OFFICER
                    Get back here.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Pig.

                              OFFICER
                    WHAT?!

                              MARY-KATE
                    P-I...
                         (losing courage)
                    ...T-T-Y me please.
                         (beat)
                    Oinky.

                              OFFICER
                    Oinky?!

                              MARY-KATE
                    What's the - how can you even take
                    offense to that?  What is that
                    word?  What does it mean?  I just
                    made it up.
                         (whispers)
                    It means pig.

                              BODYGUARD
                    You can't hold her for littering.

                              OFFICER
                    That's not all I'm holding her
                    for.  Possession of drugs.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I have prescriptions for some of
                    those... somewhere...

                              OFFICER
                    Indecent exposure.

                              MARY-KATE
                    How is this a thing?  I barely have
                    breasts!

                              OFFICER
                    Assaulting an officer.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (shocked)
                    I did NOT.

          She slaps him.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Wait... wait, I did.  Sorry.  I
                    take it back.

          She back-slaps him.

                              OFFICER
                    Yeah, I'm going to have to bring
                    her in.

          Mary-Kate pulls out her checkbook.

                              MARY-KATE
                    What if I wished really hard that
                    you didn't?

                              OFFICER
                    Is that a bribe?

                              BODYGUARD
                    It's not.

                              OFFICER
                    It sounds like a bribe.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Is there an amount of wishing that
                    would make it not a bribe?

                              BODYGUARD
                    Mary-Kate, stop.

                              MARY-KATE
                    I will stop.  For a thousand
                    dollars.

                              BODYGUARD
                    Fine.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Great.  You can deposit that right
                    to my piggy bank.

                              OFFICER
                    That's it.  You're under arrest.

                              MARY-KATE
                    You'll have to catch me first!

          The officer grabs her immediately.  She sighs.

                              MARY-KATE
                    Best out of three?

          The officer drags her away.

                              MARY-KATE
                         (panicking)
                    Bodyguard?  Scared.com!  Scared.com
                    slash jail!

          END.