By Elaine Carroll & Sam Reich
INT. APARTMENT - DAY MARY-KATE and BODYGUARD are at the kitchen counter. BODYGUARD Your mango smoothie is ready. MARY-KATE Um... did you not have your meds this morning? I need my meds this morning. BODYGUARD We're out. MARY-KATE Out? BODYGUARD You made me make you GORP last night, but it was just drugs. MARY-KATE Everyone makes GORP different. Some people use M&MS, some people just use drugs, some people don't use M&Ms. BODYGUARD Well, like I said, no more drugs. MARY-KATE I keep a bunch of spares in my purse. Hand me my purse? BODYGUARD Which purse? MARY-KATE Doesn't matter. He does, from O.S. She pours out a bunch of bottles onto the table. BODYGUARD What are those? MARY-KATE I don't know. I write over the names with when to take them. BODYGUARD Like Monday? Tuesday? MARY-KATE Like "Sleep." I take these to go to sleep. BODYGUARD Ah. MARY-KATE "Wake up." I take these to wake up. BODYGUARD Makes sense. MARY-KATE I take these when I go shopping, so I don't overspend. BODYGUARD Those are the sleep ones again. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Yeah. I take these when I go online shopping, to remember my credit card information. BODYGUARD Why don't you just look at your credit card? MARY-KATE I do, but by the time I look back at my computer... whoosh, gone. BODYGUARD Got it. MARY-KATE These are ones I take just to, like, not die. BODYGUARD That seems important. She rattles the bottle. There's clearly only one pill in there. MARY-KATE Yeah... I have to remember to get a refill of these. She pops a memory pill. BODYGUARD Are there any side effects? MARY-KATE Yeah, this memory pill makes me sleepy. But then I just take my awake pill, which makes me nauseous. But then I just take my nausea pill, which makes me nauseous. But then I just take my nausea pill, which makes me nauseous. BODYGUARD You're repeating yourself. MARY-KATE I have a pill for that! She pops a pill. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Uh-oh. Dry mouth. She pops a pill. MARY-KATE (CONT.) Uh-oh. Shark mouth. She pops a pill. MARY-KATE (CONT.) There. Duck mouth. See? It's all about finding the right balance. She abruptly falls onto the counter, seemingly dead. BODYGUARD AH! Mary-Kate?! He picks her up by the hair to find her wide-eyed. BODYGUARD (CONT.) AH! MARY-KATE I'm okay! I've just lost all muscle control. BODYGUARD What do I do? MARY-KATE See that bottle there? BODYGUARD (picking it up) This one? MARY-KATE Chew up one of those pills and spit it into my mouth. BODYGUARD No. MARY-KATE Okay. Okay. No problem. Just put it in my butt. BODYGUARD No. MARY-KATE Okay. But I'm going to tell you right now: the options just get grosser. Bodyguard chews up the pill and gives it to Mary-Kate CPR-style. She pops back to life. MARY-KATE Phew! I'm okay! You okay? Cut back to Bodyguard, shuddering, traumatized. MARY-KATE (CONT.) I have a pill for that. End.